Remembering my purpose

I haven't added a post to my blog lately. Not because I've been too busy, or because I've run out of material to write about. I just haven't felt like writing lately. I forget that this is my outlet for recording our family's day-to-day. I think about the last 15 years or even the last 5 years of my life and I've forgotten a lot. Pictures I've taken help a little but I've forgotten little details that I didn't want to. I wish I'd written more down. Here is the recap...for my own purposes.

Life here continues to go on and I feel like I've reached a new level of normality. I find I have to do that often...I have to adjust to my new situation; even if it's complete chaos. Ian seems to be doing well at his new school. We are seeing little glimpses of him that are so exciting. A few weeks ago at a family party he pointed to a dog and said "She's cute". We were so excited to see him express his opinion about something. This morning Adam was joking around with him and he said "Daddy, you're funny!" WOW!! you can't imagine how awesome it was to hear him say that! These little bits and pieces make it feel like we are once again heading forward.

Matthais tested into the gifted program at the Jr. high. Not that it is a huge surprise being as he spent the last year in a similar program. I guess I was a little worried when I saw all the kids there testing and knew I had just picked him up from a scout camp out where he had little sleep. I hope this is the challenge he needs as heads into Jr high.

Millie lost her two top front teeth. She looks really cute with them gone and I'm not anxious for her to grow the replacements in. Something about those two teeth that make them seem so grown up. I'm not ready for that.

Owen continues to make me laugh every day. I honestly feel like I would be lost without him. His latest obsession is adding a red James train to his collection. He asks over and over for James. He has even said things like "mom, I've got a good idea!" When I ask him what his idea is he tells me "lets go get a red James engine!" I've told him he'd have to earn it. Yesterday he brought me 26 cents and told me to take him to the store to buy James. Let me tell you, he is persistent.. and cute. It's very hard not to run right out and get it for him.

I joked with my sister the other day that I'm going to carry a camera around one day just to document how my day goes. I thought it would be really interesting to look back one day and say "remember how I was changing poopy diapers on a 10 year old everyday?" (don't worry, I won't take pictures of the poopy diapers). I think I might just do this every now and then. I promise to keep it honest and I hope to record the good and the bad. It'll be my own experiment in photo-journalism.

And to end...I'm a list maker. I love making list and charts and do so constantly. Someone in my ward mentioned this list in their testimony today and it's time I made and shared this list...

This is my Bliss list.

*Ian's laugh when he's truly laughing.
*Millie's toothless grin.
*Sleeping until 7:30
*Janelle coming over for lunch. (even more so because I served her left overs!)
*The kids chasing Adam around the front room and the funny laugh that he does when they do it.
*The way Owen says "Dad, what should we do today?" when he wants Adam to pull out the model train.
*Ian going to bed the first time we put him there.
*talking to Jillyn or my sister on the phone for hours because they are the only women I know that like to talk as much as I do.
*The feeling you get when the spirit is witnessing something to you.
*Suzanne stopping by with pumpkin bread
*Playing apples to apples and pirates with my family

That's all for now. Time for you to go make your own bliss list.

Disciples of Christ

"When we truly understand what it means to love as Jesus Christ loves us, the confusion clears and our priorities align. Our walk as disciples of Christ becomes more joyful. Our lives take on new meaning. Our relationship with our Heavenly Father becomes more profound. Obedience becomes a joy rather than a burden."

--Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God", Ensign, Nov 2009, 21–24

Running

Last night I ran on my treadmill. I really ran. It felt so good and so emotional all at the same time. I listen to my ipod instead of watching T.V. You know how certain songs can stir certain emotions? It all came flooding back. I ran through a lot of pain last summer, both physically and emotionally. And it all came back. But it was good. I'm in a better place. It felt so good to know I am not the same person and that I am progressing. And it felt sooooooooooo good to run. I'm on my way back.

Resolutions

Every year I make them. I think it's great to have goals to focus on. I don't feel disappointed when I don't keep them. It just makes me want to try harder. The biggest problem with resolutions is that I make too many. This year I decided simplify and follow a talk given by Elder Joe J. Christensen in 1994. It's over 15 years old but I feel like the wisdom is still good today. You can find the talk here.
First resolution: I resolve to expand my intellectual horizons, to increase in wisdom.

I intend on doing this by reading more books. I love to read but I don't take the time to do it. I am also going to step out of my comfort zone and read books I might not otherwise read. I am also going to take a few more classes. I have lots of opportunities to take classes and improve my daycare business and I am going to seize those opportunities.

Second resolution: I will be resolute in preserving and strengthening my physical health.

It's not secret that I've really let myself go. Not only have I gained 40 lbs in the last year but my nutrition is severely lacking. I am going to focus on eating more fruits and vegetables and I am going to try more things. I am going to do a triathlon and possibly another marathon. I am going to lose this weight and be healthy.

Third resolution:I resolve to be a truer friend and to become more socially acceptable to people of higher standards.

This is really a hard one for me. I've really struggled over the years in the friend department. I've been hurt, deserted,and betrayed by people I considered friends. I have been left out, excluded and ignored by those I considered friends. I am now just coming to terms with the emotions I have felt about "friends" the last few years. One day it hit me though. Why do I try SO hard to be friends with people who could care less to be my friend? Why do I put so much energy and emotion something that only means something to me? I am going to focus more on becoming a better friend to those who are loyal to me and uplift me. I am going to be a the kind of friend they deserve; one who is caring, loving, cheerful and strong. I am going to continue to nurture and strengthen those who nurture and strengthen me. I am going to make new friends. I am going to smile more and be more positive so that people will want to be around me. I am going to listen more and talk less.

Fourth resolution: I will grow spiritually-I will increase favor with God.

I commit to reading the Book of Mormon this year. I commit to fasting each month. I commit to praying morning and night. I commit to attending the temple. I commit to be less prideful. All of these things with strengthen and improve my life. I truly want to be closer to the Lord and have his light shine through me.

Fifth resolutions: I will not be so hard on myself.

This was not one of Elder Christensen's resolution but one I really feel I need to work on. I have struggle my whole life with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I have never seen myself as anyone of importance. I have always had self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I am going to try my hardest to learn to love myself and see me as the daughter of God that I am. No easy task but a challenge that will be worth it.

There you have it... My new year's resolutions! It's time to make some changes!

Ian's new school

I think the first day he was pretty confused and probably had some anxiety (thus the huge hole in the pants). One of the times I was there that day his PE teacher pulled me aside to talk to me. Justin (who was his PE teacher at the old school also) was beaming as he told me what a difference he saw in Ian. He was playing and interacting with the other kids, he participated in PE and was talking like crazy. It was good to hear that he wasn't crying and emotional like I expected. So far he seems to be doing ok and each day seems to be better. I will keep everyone updated.

Love

"Because love is the great commandment, it ought to be at the center of all and everything we do in our own family, in our Church callings, and in our livelihood. Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships. It is the bond that unites families, communities, and nations. Love is the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect. It is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate. Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine hope. Love should be our walk and our talk."

--Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God", Ensign, Nov 2009, 21–24

Ian's Birthday...

...Was a pretty crazy day. First of all it was a Monday; that could say it all right there. But, this just happened to be the Monday after Christmas break and the day he started his new school. From the get go we were running behind that day trying to track down backpacks and notepads and figuring out what was for lunch. I dropped a very confused Ian off at school at 9:00 (More on that in another post) and started my day. Owen had a goopy eye so I decided to get him into the Dr. that day. At 10:20, just as we were walking out the door to the Dr. Ian's teacher called. He had decided to tear a hole in his brand new pants and he needed another pair.

While at the school they informed me that he was never registered at the new school and sent me home with a stack of papers. I had to track down his immunizations and copy his birth certificate and head back to the school. After, I headed to Target to get the birthday present. Buying stuff for Ian is no easy task. It has to be sturdy, uncomplicated, and something he doesn't already have. I wondered the isle forever before settling on this

I had bought one for my niece for Christmas and he wouldn't leave it alone. Besides, it was on clearance. I headed home to make the cake before everyone would be home from school; it was early out day after all. I chose to do nothing fancy with the cake mostly because Ian didn't want anything specific so I made a round cake and 10 cupcakes. I put the round cake in the middle and the cupcakes surrounded it, each with a candle. It ended up looking like a flower but you'll have to take my word for it because I never did get a picture of it before it ended up on the floor. That's right, the floor. I put it on the fridge to keep little fingers out if it while I took Millie to dance only to find it had fallen off the fridge while Matthais was getting a snack. Not only that, he didn't bother cleaning it up. AND, not only THAT but while I was gone and Matthais was in charge, Ian shredded his peed on pull-up all over the house. It was so fun I cried. Luckily my mom came by and did my dishes and I didn't feel so helpless. When Adam came home the house was partially clean and he suggested Chuck E Cheese. I wasn't going to argue.





Happy Birthday Ian! Congratulations on living for a whole decade!

Fear Not

"No matter how difficult the trail, and regardless of how heavy our load, we can take comfort in knowing that others before us have borne life’s most grievous trials and tragedies by looking to heaven for peace, comfort, and hopeful assurance. We can know as they knew that God is our Father, that He cares about us individually and collectively, and that as long as we continue to exercise our faith and trust in Him there is nothing to fear in the journey."

--M. Russell Ballard, "You Have Nothing to Fear from the Journey", Ensign, May 1997, 59

Snow fun

On New Years day we took the kids up to Tibble Fork for some good old fashioned fun in the snow.

Out with the old and in with the new

That is the theme for 2010 for me. 2009 was absolutely the worst year of my life. I am not being dramatic when I say this. I had so many crappy things I had to deal with. I felt every negative emotion imaginable. I suffered depression. I gained all my lost weight back. Even the highlights like finishing a marathon felt like nothing. That's how bad it was. I felt like there was a big, dark cloud hanging over me all of the time. Now, I know that just because the year changed doesn't me my life magically will. But, I have hope and faith that this year will be better. I have a better attitude and things are starting to look up. I am healing and can look back on certain events without the sting that it once held. Ian is recovering and we are seeing glimpses of the boy he can be. He's starting a new school and he has a new chance to learn and grow. I have the tools I need to be healthy again and I might even run another marathon. I just feel like the future looks bright...a new year, a new chance. I am just thankful to have another chance. Come on 2010, bring it on!