This, that and the other

Wow, do you see the date today? January 27th and I officially have 6 blog posts for the month. I seem to be losing my blogging touch. However, my house and been cleaner and my husband has been happier so I guess it's a good trade off. Here is what I would have written about, had I been blogging like I should have:

This was Ian's Birthday cake

This was Ian's birthday cake after he got a hold of it




Forget about the new bike we got him!

This was the only thing he was interested in was this fisher price little people firehouse

Sometime this month we also realized the dog "experiment" as Adam called it needed to be over with. It was just too hard. It was totally heartbreaking but we gave Ollie away.

He was a great dog and it was really hard to say good-bye!

Millie and I took a little over night trip to Price to watch my niece Kelsey dance. It was a fun little break and nice to spend some one-on-one time with my girl

It was fun but for some reason I get anxious to be away from home and was happy to get back.

I took this picture of Millie at my great-grandparents house that my grandparents now own.

That is my great-grandma and grandpa Vuksinick. I have such great memories of them and that house. I hope my kids will have the same memories of my grandparents.

Now we are almost onto February and it's going to be CRAZY!! Anniversary, trips and competitions. For a short month it is sure packed! I'm sure you can't wait to hear all about it! That is, if I will sit down and blog!




The day I did absolutely nothing

I woke up this morning in a real funk. I decided right away I was going to do absolutely nothing today but sit on the computer, lay on the couch or read a good book. Sounds good right? I thought so. I mean, I work hard everyday, I thought I deserved a day off. That is not how the life of a mom goes though. Instead of a day off I...(in no particular order)

-Made breakfast for 6 starving kids
-Fought Ian to take a bath
-wiped Ian's bum
-Fought Ian to get dressed
-Carried Ian to the bus
-did Millie's hair
-Ran kids to two different schools
-Wiped Owens bum and threw him in the tub
-Scrubbed both bathtubs
-Scrubbed the toilets, with a tooth brush
-vacuumed the front room rugs
-picked up and vacuumed the family room
-vacuumed the hall
-washed my sheets (they had blood on them, thank you Owen's nose bleed)
-tried to clean blood out of the carpet
-washed the boys blankets
-washed, folded and put away 3 loads of laundry
-shoveled the driveway
-made PB &J for lunch
-played in the snow
-vacuumed my room
-put my bed back together
-visited with my visiting teachers
-made a double batch of  poppy seed bread
-cleaned the windows on the french doors
-Showered, make-up, and hair (I never did get dressed though!)
-wiped Owens bum again
-changed a diaper
-wiped down my kitchen chairs (gross)
-mopped underneath the bar
-drove Millie to ballet
-visited with Suzanne
-picked Millie up from ballet
-made dinner (chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn)
-unloaded and loaded the dishwasher; twice
-fought Ian to take his medicine
-wiped Ian's bum, again
-spent an hour on my Napa paperwork
-Checked facebook every 30 min (haha)
-Put 3 kids to bed by myself, each of  them crying

Wouldn't you know it though? by the time Adam got home it looked like I had done absoultely nothing. Oh Well, that was the idea after all!

New Year Revolution

I love setting goals. I think I've mentioned it here before but I set goals all the time. I don't feel like just because it's a new year I need to have resolutions but it does feel like a good time to start. I thought long and hard about the things I wanted to accomplish in 2011. I had a clever little list similar to President Hinckley's six Be's and was ready to get started. They were things like Be kind, Be healthy, Be smart, etc. Then something happened.

Last week I was extremely emotional. Several things had happened, several words were spoken and every day I felt more worthless then the day before. Wednesday we met with our ward in the temple for ward temple night. I didn't want to go. I could think of a million things I'd rather do but I knew that is exactly why I needed to be there. It was incredible to see all the members of our ward there! Absolutely amazing! But, once again, surrounded by so many people I know, I felt completely alone. The tears started while at the temple and continued into the night.

All of my life I have struggled with self esteem and self worth issues. There have been times in my life where the adults in my life told me I was worthless and un-loved. As an adult, I can see that the things I was told as a child are untrue but it's been a real struggle for me to get past the feeling of worthlessness I have. After crying all night to my amazing husband he said something that really stood out. He said "you need to work on your relationship with yourself". It was a huge ah ha moment! He was so right! Everything I worry about, everything that makes me sad, everything I struggle with starts with me. If I could feel better about myself, maybe everything else would start getting better?

That is when it hit me! This year I am not making a New Year's resolution. I am starting a New Year Revolution! I am working on one thing and that is me. I am going to learn to see myself the way Heavenly Father sees me. I am going to work on loving myself. I am going to feel worth it! And then I'm going to let everything else fall into place...

It won't be easy. The feelings I have are rooted deep. And really, I don't know even where to begin. What I do know is that I'm ready to change my life and I feel like if I can improve this I can improve anything. I also know I'm worth it!

I couldn't sleep last night

I think in the whole night I caught two cat naps totaling 45 mins. I sat and stared at the clock for hours. I got on facebook around 1:00 a.m but apparently everyone else was asleep cause it was really boring. I tossed, I turned. Hubby was next to me as restless as I was. It was torture. I did get lots of thinking done however. I thought about how I could be more organized with my time and my space. I thought about a new picture display I want to do in my hallway. I thought about what Owen could take to school today for the letter "I".I thought about how much I love my ward but how lonely I feel in it. I thought about how lonely I feel in general. 6 am came too slowly and when it was here finally I felt like it came too fast, I wanted a few more hours in bed to finally find some sleep. I let my daycare kids in and climbed back into bed. It was all in vain however; Matthais jumped in the shower, Ollie wanted outside, Ian was awake and full of life, my day had begun whether I wanted it to or not. Just 9 more hours until bedtime! Yawn! I think I can make it!

11 years of joy!

And sorrow. And frustration. But, mostly joy! 11 years ago I looked into these beautiful blue eyes and fell in love. Little did I know the journey that lay ahead of us. Even if I had it would not have changed a thing. I was completely, hopelessly in love. It helped that we was my easiest birth, (only having Matthais that was an easy feat but in the end he still holds the record for my easiest birth) I literally laughed him out; It even says so in my records. He was such an easy baby too. He was content most of the time and if anything I felt like he didn't need me enough. One of our first signs...

Even though he is so hard and most days I feel like pulling out my hair, I am still completely and hopelessly in love with this child. My favorite thing is when he is tired he will tell me that he wants to cuddle with mom. We then go climb in my bed and cuddle. I love those moments. Happy 11th Birthday Ian!

Yes, I'm one of those moms

I couldn't be happier that my children are back in school today. I love my kids, really I do.  I also love some time to myself, the daily break from Ian's screaming and my routine. Today we strayed a little from our normal routine. My early morning daycare kids came late,  Adam went fishing instead of work,Ian's bus was 15 minutes late, and I didn't have to run anyone to school. It was the perfect way to ease ourselves back into the daily grind. Tomorrow we will be completely back to normal and I welcome it. On a different note, Ian started his new class today. This is his 3rd class in the last year. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I have been assured this is a good fit for him and that he will do well in this class but change is change and something that Ian doesn't always do well with. Time will tell I suppose but I so wish Ian was one of those kids who could come home and tell me how awesome (or how bad) his new class is. As I was walking into his school to meet his new teacher today I was overwhelmed with feelings of discouragement. Will my child ever hold a job? Will he ever be able to go to the store on his own? Will he live at home the rest of his life? Who will take care of him when we are gone? These are all things I've thought about before but they hit me hard today. Maybe it's because he will be 11 tomorrow. It breaks my heart to think of all the things other 11 years do. His cousin Brock who is only 3 days older than him is a constant reminder of this. Matthais and Brock get along so well; Is this how it would be with Matthais and Ian if he wasn't autistic? It's not that they don't get along per se it's just that they have no reason to be friends. They have nothing in common and Matthais tolerates him at best. I know having Ian in our family is a huge honor and blessing! I just wish it didn't come with so many worries and doubts!

Happy New Year!

2011. Wow.You know the year goes by fast when your kids are constantly telling you "this year has gone by fast! So today is January 1st and I'm already thinking about my goals for the next year. Last year I was pretty hit and miss with my goals (you can read about them here) That is usually how it goes for me. I have a couple of things in mind for this year but I'm not really sure where I want to start exactly. I defiantly need to work on my health (as I sit here eating chips and drinking diet coke from the 2 liter bottle!), I need to work on my homemaking and organizational skills, I want to work on my relationship with me, I desire to have a closer relationship with Christ and I wish to improve my relationships with others (especially my husband and my children). Just not sure where to begin. I'm feeling a little depressed today and when I feel depressed I tend to be really hard on myself. I can't help but think of what a failure I am and so making new goals seems kinda pointless. It will pass. I am eager to become the mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend that I know I can me;The one Heavenly Father would have me become and I know I can improve. I'm just not ready to think about it now.  Today I'm busy surviving  enjoying one more day home with the kids! Boy, Monday can't come soon enough! Happy New Year everyone!