Finding Joy in the Journey

When President Monson gave this talk in conference last month I had know doubt he was speaking to me. Recent events in my life have only confirmed it. I was feeling especially down and lonely yesterday so I decided to pull it out and read it again.

Yesterday was a hard day with Owen. He was excessively naughty and I had a hard time keeping up. I felt like I was drowning and no one was throwing me a rope. By time Adam came home I was defeated. As I sat sulking on the couch I pulled out this article and decided to read it. The first thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was this: "If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly." What? How on earth will I ever miss this! I'm looking around at the crumbs and toys on the floor and the dishes in the sink. It seems like I can never really accomplish anything. I get the dishes done in the morning only to have more at lunch. I get the toys picked up only to have more dragged out. I get the laundry done only to have piles more at the end of the day. I know that as mothers we feel this way more often than not. Will I ever really miss this? The answer came as I was folding laundry. I held up Owen's little size 2 jeans and realized...he will never be this small again. I've thought about that often enough but it's never been as profound as in that one moment. Now is the time.

President Monson goes on to say: "Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.”3 We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us. Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”4"

Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved....

So many times we are consumed with all that is going on around us. Lately I have been surrounded by grief, anger, hurt and pain. Not only my own but others as well. I've felt very weighed down thinking that I need to be the one to fix it all. I am still aching over my cousins husband, I am aching over several family members alcohol and drug use, I am aching over the tension in my family, I am aching over my feelings of no self- worth. I am so consumed by these feelings that I am losing sight of those things that matter most...Those precious ones around me who love me unconditionally...They are what is most important.

Our realization of what is most important in life goes hand in hand with gratitude for our blessings.
Said one well-known author: “Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend . . . when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.”6 I've realized that I've been living my life in the reality of lack of abundance. Never in a physical way. I've never been too materialistic. But...I've really been focused lately on all the things I don't have...a clean house, perfect kids, a social life, etc... I've been tending the wrong garden. No wonder I'm always so miserable!! I haven't seen all the good and glorious things I've been blessed with! Just the fact that I have the gospel in my life is my own personal miracle. "In the Doctrine and Covenants, section 88, verse 33, we are told: 'For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift.'”

So, today, in the spirit of Thanksgiving and because of my love for the Savior, I am going to focus on those things I am thankful for. I am going to look at every thing as a blessing and a joy. I am going to play with my children more, worry about the messes less. I am going tell those I care about that I love them. I am going to find the "joy in the journey." "Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days—as much as we can—with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed."

(President Monson's full talk can be found at http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-947-26,00.html)

Early stages of Alzheimer's???

Ok...so I have a problem. A rather serious problem. I have the memory the size of a peanut. I am having a hard time remembering to do the everyday things I am used to doing.Take today for instance. It's 1:00 and I'm just now remembering to brush my teeth. Earlier today I completely forgot I was taking the kids to their mom and taking Christi to school. It was like...one minute I was thinking about doing it and the next minute I was getting irritated she wasn't here to pick her kids up yet. Seriously. I can't tell you how many speech therapy appointments, dance classes or scout meetings we've missed lately. I even have the timer set today so I don't miss another speech appointment. It doesn't matter if it's on my calendar, to do list or even written on my hand...I tend to forget things. I'll see it on my calendar or on my to-do list but when it's time to actually do the action...I forget. I don't even dare call Chrisi's mom since I feel so stupid. What is my problem??

Last year I asked a friend about a pink toilet that had been placed on her lawn. It had the letters MAAD on it. She explained to me that her friends and her had come up with MAAD after someone had read an article about Alzheimer's and how you were less likely to get it if women (ok, reaching deep into my memory here...)have good friends, laugh (thus the pink toilet), keep learning and exercise. They thought that explained them and thus coined it MAAD: Mothers Against Alzheimer's Disease.

How am I going to combat this? Maybe it's time to start my own chapter of MAAD...

Hi, my name is Angi and I'm a facebook addict

Ok, I admit it. I really, really love facebook. Really. I check facebook a few times a day. Oh wait, several times a day. Ok, who am I kidding. I am on facebook pretty much all day. Well, it's on my computer all day and I hit the refresh button every 20 mins or so. It's funny the reaction you get from people when they find out you "facebook". "Really?" someone asked the other day..."why?" Hmm. Good question. Well, I've reconnected with so many people I've lost contact with over the years. "why do you care what the who sat next to you in 7th grade English is doing today?" I don't know. Maybe I hope to find that maybe I'm not as crazy as someone else out there. The truth is that I really don't care what that girl is up to. It's hard to say no to friend requests. If I know them, I'll add them. Lame huh? It's a metaphor for my life. On facebook I have friends. 152 to be exact. Someone wants to be my friend. Ahh...give me a sense of worth! Not really but hey, I really have connected with people I've always wondered about. Like my first "real" boyfriend. The one I thought was "the one". The one I almost flunked out of 10th grade just so I could spend every minute I could with. Yep, no regrets there. I found that I can send Rach a message almost anytime of the day and I get an immediate response. Karissa too. I probably talk to them more than ever now and now that Karissa is no longer in Utah, I'm sure that this will be the only way we communicate!! I found Chris! The boy who grew up next door to me and was my BEST friend. I loved him and cried when he got married. We always joked that if we weren't married by 26 we'd marry each other. Neither of us even made it to 20! I get to keep in touch with my aunt Darcee who I normally only see at Christmas. I also get to keep tabs on my little brothers and neices and nephews who think I'm cool because I'm on facebook! (you know you do!) I get an insight into their lives that I don't get seeing them at family functions. I guess it's all this and more that keeps me coming back. It really sounds lame that I could be so comsumed by something so...so...trite. But...it keeps me coming back for more. If you ever want to find me...try facebook. I'm sure I'll be there! In fact, I'm going there now...

8 reasons why I will never go to a midnight movie again.

1. I had the worst headache I've had in years...all day long.

2. If I had any sort of conversation with you at all yesterday...I probably don't remember it.

3. I *almost* bought a regular coke yesterday.

4. After I realized I had a regular coke at the counter, and I then exchanged it for a diet...I noticed my shirt was on inside out AND backwards.

5. I cried and cried for hours yesterday...my poor husband didn't know what to do with me.

6. I threw the biggest fit at my kids yesterday...literally...I threw things to show them how mad I was. (ok, so I only threw the towel that I had just finished sopping up a 1/2 gallon of milk with. Still, pretty stupid.

7. I sat at a green light until it turned red. The car behind me was mad. I couldn't figure out why they were honking at me.

8. I answered the phone yesterday and mumbled some incoherent garbage (I have no idea what I said...I was almost asleep!) to which the lady responded..."I think I have the wrong number!"

Let's face it...I'm not a kid anymore. I used to pull all-nighters all the time. I've realized just how much I need and enjoy my sleep.

Missing girls night out again

Seems like I can't go more often than not these days. Last month the girls had to change it from Friday to Saturday which happened to be my super-Saturday. I was gone from 8 in the morning until 6 that evening. There was no way a night out on the town was gonna fly. This month (today) is the night of our ward party and we can't switch GNO to Saturday. It's frustrating and sad for me just because my little group (minus me) sees each other quite often; they're in the same ward and often have spontaneous get-togethers. Since I'm no longer in the immediate area and tied down with kids...

So here's the thing that is bothering me today. I have no social life outside these monthly nights out. None. I don't do Bunco anymore, I don't have neighbors I talk to or lunch with friends on occasion. If I leave my house during the day it's to take care of kid issues, or food issues or because I just can't stand to be home any longer. These last two times of missing GNO have been spent at ward functions. You'd think that after two years of living here I would be excited about going and it would be some sort of consolation to missing a night out with friends. It's not. I almost guarantee I won't talk to anyone tonight unless I talk to them first. And more likely than not my night will be spent chasing Ian and Owen and I will miss out on any of the festivities taking place.

I'm drowning. I need a good night with some good feelings and good laughter. Maybe I'm just super-emotional from my lack of any meaningful sleep. Maybe I'll be wrong. A girl can only hope.

Me + no sleep = walking zombie

Ok, so it's totally my own fault. And...it was totally worth it. I loved the movie. But...I am paying for it today. I am a 9hrs of sleep kinda gal. Really, anything less than that I'm in trouble. Today I'm running on 6 hrs less than that. I've already pumped some caffeine into my system with no luck. I am still a mess. 3 hours til nap time...hope I can make it.

I can't wait...

12:01 a.m.

What am I thinking? let's face it...I'm not a teenager anymore!

Nutcracker season has arrived!

Yes, it's that time of year again! I love the nutcracker and I love Millie's dance company's production. The girls work so hard to prepare for it! This year Millie is a bon-bon. She loves it because as she says "Bon-bons are the craziest!" She's already performed once at a Christmas show and she has a few more performances in December. Let me know if you'd like to come and I'll give you the details. They are charging this year which sucks for you but not for me...it cut our concert fee in half!! Tickets are $5 pre-bought, $6 at the door.

Project: Organization-Menus

Well I finally revamped our menus and made it more practical. For instance I had our sandwich night on thursday. Since I do our shopping on Saturday, the fresh buns and rolls I buy for our sandwichs either goes bad or needs to be frozen (which, I'd rather not). I also threw in a pizza night since we almost always have pizza once a week. The final change I made was to have a "peoples choice" night and assigned each person a week to choose dinner. "people's choice" night is on Saturday so that I can by whatever it is they're craving that day when I do my shopping.. The benefits of having a working menu are amazing! I am never wondering what I'm making for dinner at the last minute. It also helps with shopping and food storage. The way Marie Ricks suggests you do in menus is to have a vegetable, fruit and theme assigned to each day of the week. For instance, Wednesday is our mexican night. Week 1 is White chicken enchiladas, week 2 is beef enchiladas, etc. Even though the main course changes week to week the vegetable and the fruit is the same each week. On our Mexican night we have Corn and applesauce. This is how it helps with the food storage. If I want to have a 3 month supply of our everyday foods, I know that I need 12 cans of corn and 12 cans of applesauce for our wednesday meals. Do that for each night of the week and you have your basic 3 month storage. I feel a huge weight has been lifted by getting my menus in order again. And if you ever want to know what's for dinner, I can tell you!

That kind of mom

Do you ever just look around and wonder "how on earth did I get here?" 15 years ago Adam and I were dating, getting ready for him to go on a mission. We knew we wanted to get married and have kids but we never knew what we really had in store. All those times we talked about kids, never in a million years did we think one of them would have Autism and epilepsy. It's just not the kind of thing you "plan". I remember saying things like "we'll have 4 kids, 2 girls, 2 boys and their names will be yadda, yadda, yadda...." You know what I mean....Never in a million year did I think I would be HERE. Not that here is so bad. It's just funny how life can throw you those little curve balls.

Sunday was our primary program. It was so funny watching Matthais singing in what is probably his last primary program with a big scowl on his face. He had to make sure everyone knew just how miserable he was. I remember soon after he was born I was called to the primary presidency and I couldn't wait until he was old enough to participate in the primary program. I wished away so many of his younger years! I couldn't wait til he could walk, talk, go to school. I wish I had those days back.

I've been thinking a lot about our decision to not have anymore kids. In a way, I feel like that decision was made for us. Owen's birth and the time surrounding his birth was a very hard time for me. We had a lot of things happening all at once and I had a hard time being happy because of all the stress. Add to that a scary delivery and a baby in the NICU for a week and I was close to a breaking point. Two months later Ian had his first seizure and thus began our new life with not only autism, but epilepsy as well. Up until that point I had always felt like I could handle more kids and that I would have even liked to have another. That all changed in the months following Ian's seizure. I knew that if I ever did have another one it wouldn't be fair to that child or to the children I already had. I was too spread thin.

So here we are more than two years later, Ian's seizures are under control, the autism is well, autism, and I know longer have a brand new baby. Surely I could be a good mom to one more right?(if it were physically possible, which it is not!) I've been second guessing myself. I watch all of these amazing women go on to have5, 6 and even 7 kids! And they do it with grace and ease. And then there is me.

Matthais has been causing a lot of problems in our family lately. He feels the need to make everyone as miserable as possible. Sunday, after a day of tormenting his sister, it all came to a head. The reason he wants everyone so miserable? He's not getting enough attention. I kinda rolled my eyes when he first said that. After all how much attention does an 11 year really need? I had never really though about the fact that as my oldest, he is the only one that knows how it feels to not have to share mom and dad. Then to have to share mom and dad with three other kids? It must feel like you're getting short changed! Especially when you are a very level-headed, responsible child and you have a brother with autism who takes a ton of your parents time, and you still have a brother who is a toddler, and you only have one sister who gets lots of attention because, well, she's the girl. I can imagine it seems like no one has anything left to give you. And, maybe some days it's true. Sometimes there just isn't anything left.

So here I am today. I am not the BEST mom or even the second best mom. I am not super mom, or wonder mom nor do I posess any sort of super-natural mom powers. What I am is mom who love her children with all her heart. A mom who is just a little too spread thin. A mom who tries her best but sometimes falls just a little short! A mom who sometimes looks around and wishes she was somewhere else. A mom who often second guesses herself but always tries to do what is best for her kids. A mom who will always wonder what might have been...if only...

Who would of have ever thought????

A letter to my children

It has come to my attention that it is now indeed cold and flu season. In fact, the bugs have already infiltrated our home. When it is your unfortunate turn to catch one of these said bugs, be dear and listen to your mother; I would rather wash every blanket, sheet, and towel in the house than to have to scrub puke out of the carpet. Thank you.

Your loving mother


(anyone wanna lend me a carpet cleaner?)

First Millie, now Owen

Ian has been learning about the letter "M" and the sound it makes. Tonight as we were sitting at the dinner table I asked him, "Ian, what does the letter 'm' say?" He gave me his usual response of "noooooooooooooooooo!!!" and "ARgh!" Without missing a beat Owen looked at him and said "M says mmmmmmm!" Sigh. It was hard when Emilia started passing him. Now Owen is learning faster than him too. He can already count better and now he's picking up other things too. I am happy for Owen. I am so sad for Ian.

Cyber social life

So, it's getting pretty bad. My whole social life revolves around the computer these days. Except for the few times Micheale has rescued me with a diet coke, I haven't seen or talked to my friends in weeks. I've been lonely and the computer is filling the void. Yesterday as I was putting on my shoes to go to aerobics (I did actually get OUT of the house yesterday!) I realized that the Reebok's that I bought at a GNO several months ago just weren't going to work. My first thought was "I'll see if Micheale wants these". Instead of getting the phone to call Micheale, my first instinct was to ask her via facebook if she wanted them. How pathetic am I? Is this what it's come to for me? Communicating via facebook and comments on blogs? Coveting those highly-traffic blogs thinking that my value is based on how many comments I receive? (comment PLEASE so I can feel good today!!!) Everyone has heard my story about hard my move to our current house was. It's been two years now and I'm still feeling like an outsider. Things are definitely better but I'm afraid I'm still trying to fill the void by living a virtual life. Sigh...I need some human contact. Anyone?

Back on track

Back on THE track. I ran last night for the first time in about 8 weeks. I've ran a few times since I hurt my back but not REALLY ran. I did it half-hearted. But not last night. Last night my heart was in it and I felt great. I printed off training schedule and now I just have to decide which marathon to run. What do you think? Salt lake? or Ogden?

From Micheale...with love

I secretly love being tagged. It gives me something to post when I can't think of anything else. Thanks to Micheale for this one...

What were you doing 10 years ago
1. Matthais just turned one
2. Working for my dad "temporarily" which turned into 6 months. I can't say no
3. Was the Secretary in the primary.
4. Working at my in-laws pizza shop
5. Living in an apartment Adam built in Lehi

What 5 things are on your "to do" list today.
1. Laundry (always)
2. Daycare paper work
3. FHE trip to the state capital
4. Lots and lots of cleaning
5. Work on Owen's blanket

5 Snacks that I enjoy
1. Popcorn (and only 1 point)
2. Goldfish crackers
3. Cracked pepper and Olive oil crackers
4. Saltines (see a pattern? I'm a carb'oholic)
5. Diet coke

5 things I'll do when I become a multi-millionaire
1. Send my kids to college
2. Travel the world
3. Adopt
4. Stop shopping at DI
5. Relax...

5 places I have lived
1. Provo
2. Orem
3. Lehi
4. Pleasant Grove
5.

5 jobs I have had
1. Auto parts delivery driver
2. Auto parts counter salesman
3. Pizza restaurant manager/worker
4. Daycare provider
5. Bookkeeper

5 people to tag
1. Brylie
2. April
3. Elise
4. Adam and Cheryl
5. Anyone else who feels like it

Mr. Independent

What is it about being two that makes you think you can do everything? Owen has decided that he can now do everything himself. Let's get you dressed Owen "NO! I do it" Let's wipe your bum Owen "NO! I aleady did it" Lets wash your hands Owen "No, I do it myself". This morning I came downstairs late (shaking off a stomach bug, thanks Millie) and he was sitting on the floor with a bowel of cereal he poured himself, milk and all. Poor kid was hungry! I am all for teaching my children independence but does he really have to start the dishwasher and the washing machine? Does he really have to pour his own milk and comb his own hair? ("don't mom! you mess it up!") He is my last baby after all. I'd like him to be that way for awhile!

My sister says I have to post

I guess she wants to read about my crazy life and be glad that she stopped after two kids almost 11 years ago. So, I started the week with the best intentions but wouldn't you know it? Life got in the way. Project organization is starting slow. I've done a lot of *thinking* about what I want to do but not a lot of action. I haven't really had time to dive into any major project like my "craft" closet which will likely take a whole day (maybe two). I did get my room clean much to the pleasure of my husband. Now he doesn't trip over thing when he gets up to pee. The kids have really taken to the fitness challenge. It fun to see them so excited about being active. I have also gotten back into the swing of things and started running again. I am training for another half-marathon which I may or may not run in January. I do so much better when I have a goal. I don't think I realized how much not being able to run in the marathon affected me. I really went into a running depression. Something that used to bring me such joy totally repulsed me. I'm still trying to shake it off and I'm getting better. Other than that I'm just crossing my fingers that no one else gets the major pukies Millie was up with all night. I'm too old to pull another all-nighter!

30 day fitness challenge

Frustrated with my family's inactivity and my own 10lb weight gain, I decided to introduce the Harris 30 day fitness challenge. Last night for FHE we did as many sit-ups and push-up as we could and then ran 1/4 mile as fast as we could. Everyone participated the best that they could (minus Owen!). We talked about the importance of exercise and healthy eating. We also decided there would be no computer or T.V. after school to help promote more activity. Our goal as a family is 2000 minutes of activity by December 4. And we are aiming to improve on our "fitness test" as well. One of my additional goals is to lose 10lb in the process. I am excited about this and I hope my family can benefit from more physical activity.

Project: Organization

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm feeling so overwhelmed these days. I've missed Millie's dance class two weeks in a row. I missed Ian's speech appointment last week. The house isn't ever clean. The laundry is waiting for me on the bed. Dinner is usually a last minute thought. The truth is that my life isn't any crazier now than it was at the beginning of the year. The problem is that at the beginning of the year I was on top of these, at the peak of organization. I felt so good then. So calm. So in control. A few friends and I took Marie Ricks class on organization and I learned so much. It's amazing how much more at peace I feel when things are all in order. It's time I get some of that peace back. I'm going into full organization mode putting to use all those things I've learned. I'm de-junking my house and my mind. I'm putting my menu to use again. I'm scheduling my day. I'm prioritizing my week. I'm setting achievable goals for myself. I may go through some "facebook" withdrawls but it's time I stop being so idle. It's time to have a house of order.

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God. D&C 88:119