Christmas

I don't really know why but I had a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I did all the typical things that usually work but for some reason I was still in quite a slump. Finally on Christmas Eve I started getting excited. Matthais had asked for an ipod touch and I told him there was absolutely NO way he was getting one. He was very disappointed but I told him I would make sure he got something he'd like. Santa overrided us and gave him an ipod touch. The smile on his face took away and of the "bah humbug" feelings I had. Millie was thrilled with her new doll Sydney who is a dancer just like her. Ian loves his cd player and listens to it every day and Owen played with his "Thomas fixing train" over and over. Adam totally spoiled me with a remote starter for my car AND a Bosche! All I could do was cry. I love it and have used it everyday since Christmas. And...look who we caught in our house...(I know...the picture quality is horrible!)

That's right, it's Santa in our living room! He loved the cookies the kids left out for him and told us to thank our kids for being so good this year.

Christmas Eve

Yesterday Matthais told me "tomorrow is the longest day of the year". Being the smart kid that he is I thought he was talking about the winter solstice. I was excited know something he didn't and proudly said "Sorry Matthais, the winter solstice was a few days ago." He replied " I know mom! I'm not talking about that! For kids Christmas Eve is the longest day of the year! Every minute seems like an hour!" Ahh, the joys of being a kid! I remember feeling that same way. Little did I know then that listening to your kids ask you over and over if it's Christmas yet makes it the longest day of the year for parents too! Merry Christmas!

Bittersweet

Today is Ian's last day in the autistic unit. Imagine how disheartening it was to hear that the autistic unit is no longer a good fit for your autistic son. Where do you go from there? He will be starting a in a life skills unit on January 4th...his 10th birthday. I am sad. I am scared. I am frustrated. But I am also excited, anxious and hopeful. Maybe this is just what he needs to see some progress... Maybe this is just what he needs to succeed...God does nothing by chance. Here is hoping for a smooth and successful transition.

On this day, God wants you to know...

That is the name of an application on facebook. You click on it to get your message from God. I've never actually done it for myself but some of my friends have. I'm not really sure but to me it seems like it would be like reading your horoscope or a fortune cookie...you can always find a way to make it apply to your life. No, I don't need facebook to tell me what God wants me to know. Today he told me himself.

Today started out bad and went to worse really quickly. After finding my bottle of Mary Kay moisturizer dumped all over the bathroom and the bottle floating in the toilet, I lost it. I can't even begin to list all the things Ian has lost or destroyed in the last month. I was mad...just not at Ian. I told Heavenly Father that I had had it. I told him I was tired of him not listening to my prayers. I told him I was done praying. I told him that if he really loved me he would lift my burden. I told him if really loved me he would send me a friend. I even told him that if he really loved me he would help me find my cell phone. I poured my heart out and told him all the reasons I felt abandoned. And I cried. I called Adam who helped me pull myself together and carried on with my day still feeling heavy.

I had plans to meet some friends for lunch and I considered cancelling. I knew I was going to be no fun to be with today but I decided to continue with my plans hoping it would cheer me up. Little did I know Heavenly Father would speak to me through them. Lunch was great and they listened to me. They just listened. Never once did they try to out-do me with their problems or made me feel like my trials were trivial. They listened. I heard Heavenly Father whisper...I have sent you a friend. My amazingly talented friend gave me a Christmas present while we were there. It was a photo she had taken of a pair of hands holding a baby bird with the scripture Matthew 10:29-31 written under it. I wasn't sure what it meant but felt honored that she would give me something that she made herself. Then I read the scripture.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows."
I had to fight back the tears. I heard Heavenly Father whisper...I do know you, and you are important to me.

After lunch I headed to meet Ian's new teacher. I was running late and anxious to get to the school. As I was driving a truck didn't see me and took off from his stop sign and literally stopped a foot from my driver side door. We both drove off and I instantly said a prayer of gratitude. I heard Heavenly Father whisper...I am looking out for you.

Later tonight I was making dinner and Ian getting upset. He couldn't tell me what was bothering him but I could tell that something was not right. Before I knew it he was acting very strange and started throwing up. Great, I thought. Just what I need...sick kids. Adam walked in the door and I had him take Ian upstairs while I cleaned up the mess. When I came up I could tell something wasn't right. I knew he was going to have a seizure. Millie had dance and I knew he was in good hands so I brought Adam the phone and Ian's emergency seizure medication and left. When I came home, Ian was on the floor, seizing, Adam and administered the Versed and just waiting for the seizure to stop. We were both devastated. Ian was doing so good. He hadn't had a seizure since April and he was making progress. All of a sudden my lost cell phone and the destroyed household items didn't matter anymore. I knew God was sending me a message.

God does notice me. He is watching over me. He does love me. I am grateful for the people he has chosen to surround me with. I am grateful for the challenges of raising one of God's special children. I am grateful for his daily protection. God does nothing by chance but always by design as a loving father. On this day, I now know...

Drama with the bus and other reasons I should cancel my facebook account

Normally I pick the kids up from school. We have some neighbors who attend the same school as the kids (my kids attend a school other than their neighborhood school). My lovely friend Becky drives the kids to school and I pick the kids up. Early on in the year I noticed that the bus was leaving, with Ian on it around 3:25. By time the other kids got out of school (3:30) and into the car (3:40) and we drive home (3:45) we were missing Ian being dropped off or we were cutting it really close so I started picking him up as well. Becky is kind enough to do double duty on Thursday and picks the kids up so I let Ian ride the bus on those days. This past Thursday slipped away from me and I had an enrichment activity so when I looked at the clock at 3:20 I decided I'd better jump in the shower before Ian came home. As I was getting out and drying off I thought I heard Ian's bus. I looked at the clock, it was 3:28, school wasn't even out so it couldn't be Ian. But, I got to the window and check...it WAS Ian! I threw on my robe still dripping wet to go and grab him. A little frustrating but no big deal. Friday...Becky calls and says she's running errands so she'll just grab the kids. Once again...Ian rides the bus home. I'm sitting at the computer working on Christmas cards when I hear the bus at 3:28 and Owen yelling that Ian is here. Good thing I didn't run to the copy store like I had planned! In my mind, School gets out at 3:30 so I should have at least until then to be home. Well, apparently not! Out of frustration I posted on facebook "Tell me how it's possible that Ian's bus shows up at 3:28 when school doesn't even end until 3:30???" I got a few responses but My brother-in-law (who happens to teach in an autistic unit at another school) responded "That's a definite no-no...Your drivers know that they aren't allowed to leave, or even load, before the bell rings. You ought to make a call." Well, I hadn't even thought about calling and I wasn't REALLY upset it was just one of those things I posted out frustration just like many people do on facebook. What if I hadn't been home yet, what if I had gone to pick him up at my normal 3:25? The bus would have already left and then what? But I am friends with his teacher on facebook and I should have never said anything about it on facebook. Just like the whole "coughing" episode of two weeks ago, I opened my big mouth and created drama.

I love facebook. I talk to people (especially family) that I normally don't talk to but once a year. I found out my cousin was pregnant the day she anounced rather than waiting who knows how long until I visited my grandparents so they could tell me. I keep track of my college age brothers who think their big sister is tragically unhip. I can get instant answers to my questions and lots of support when I'm frustrated. But, one of the biggest problems with facebook (and really anything in which you "type" instead of "talk") is that things can be taken out of context and you never hear the tone of voice. On Friday my mom posted something about my niece being the most beautiful girl in the world. I don't disagree. My niece is gorgeous. Joking around and being sarcastic I typed back "I won't show Millie this". First of all...Millie is not on facebook and I would never show her that. However, Matthais, being the torturous big brother he is, might. Millie doesn't understand that when grandmas says Kelsey is the most beautiful girl in the world that she doesn't really think that Kelsey is more pretty than her. I never should have said anything because I really hit some nerves and my little brother let me have it calling me "petty" and telling me that "you and mellissa would be better off if you got over the "who does grandma loves more kick"!!!!!!!!!".
Wow. That was all I could think. Wow. One little comment that you think is funny can turn into this. Turns out I hurt my mom's feelings by saying that too. That was never my intention and so of course I was terribly upset.

I don't think I'm completely ready to give up facebook because I believe that I receive more positive that not. But, a few lessons learned... Be careful what you say, you never know how someone is going to take you comments no matter how innocent you think they are and somethings you should work out in a more private venue.

The parable of the 10 virgins

Last night I attended a production of The parable of the ten virgins put on by my amazingly talented ward. In the Parable of the Ten Virgins the story is told by Jesus of a group of virgins given the honor of attending a wedding. Each of the ten virgins is carrying a lamp as they await the coming of the bridegroom. Five of the virgins are wise and bring an extra jar of oil for their lamps. Five are foolish and take no extra oil with them. The bridegroom is late in coming and the foolish virgins are out of oil and ask the wise ones for spare oil, but they refuse, saying that they might then not have enough. The foolish virgins are away buying more oil when the bridegroom arrives. The wise virgins are there to welcome him and the foolish ones arrive too late and are not invited to the wedding feast. In the muscial performance of this parable each virgin was given a name and we learn a little insight into their personalitly. We learn what makes them "wise" or "foolish" and learn about other virtues they posess. I could relate to all of the "foolish" virgins especially Adi who was held back by her own insecurities and Eliana who is busy taking care of everyone else. I've given a lot of thought to the things that hold me back spiritually. Why is it that I can make time for everyone but the Lord? Why is it that I'm always worrying about what others think of me instead of seeing myself the way he sees me? What is it that I need to do to keep my lamp burning? I've been so negative and ornery lately. I think that it is due in a large part to my spiritual lamp being dim. I am grateful the spirit who whispered to me last night, letting me know that I could be happy, truley happy if I would only committ to following the Lord. I pray that we may all find the true reason of the season and more fully commit to following our Lord and Savior this Christmas and to keep our lamps full of oil.

Thanksgiving 2009

Nutcracker 2009

Millie was a Bon bon this year. Only, this year she was the bon bon leader! She takes her dancing pretty seriously and is already looking forward to the day she can try out for Clara! Sorry about the quality of the pictures. My camera is acting up...

My special boy

Yesterday I exploded because the school called me to come get Ian because he was coughing. I was extremely mad and upset because I didn't know that coughing at school was against school policy and I felt like they just didn't want to deal with him because they were short handed. I felt like the whole incident was mishandled but regardless, I said things I shouldn't have. And now, I feel horrible and remorseful. When it comes to Ian I am overly protective. I don't feel like he is give a fair shot most of the time. Kids pick on him and adults don't want to deal with him. Sunday I was standing with him waiting for his primary teacher to come in when a few of his classmates came in. One of them turned to the other and said " I dare you to sit by Ian!" The other responded "I double dog dare YOU to sit by Ian!" I was crushed. These are the kids he will grow up with. These are the kids that will be the ones "looking out" for him. I know he is a difficult child. My messy house and grey hair will attest to it. But he is a child none the less and a very special child at that. What an honor it is to associate with one of God's chosen ones! I know I feel honored to be his mother! I know that kids don't have the maturity to understand and I don't fault them for not wanting to befriend Ian. He is strange and slobbery and he's not always nice. But adults are a different story. I know his teachers love him and that they are looking out for him and his classmates and so I shouldn't have gotten so upset yesterday. I'm stressed and worried about his upcoming school change and I think I let that play into my emotions yesterday. And, yes, I have a little mama bear in me. I just wish I didn't have to worry so much about him and how he's being treated. He can't speak for himself so I have to! I wish everyone could love him just as much as I do! I wish everyone could feel how I feel when he calls me "mommy" or says "lub you". Maybe then they could quit looking at him as annoying or strange and see him as the special child he is.

Here is what's going on at the Harris house...

1. Adam had surgery on his ankle friday. They had to completely replace the ligaments with cadaver tissue. We kinda thought he'd be back to work today, only on crutches. Little did we know he'd actually have to stay in bed for fives days. I'm not cut out to be a single mom of five kids.

2. Ian is in the process of changing schools. He won't actually change until January but we are doing IEP's and getting everything ready. I am going to work on potty training him again over this next break. It would be so nice to send him to the new school potty trained. I'm nervous, scared, and anxious about this whole move but it'll be for the good. right???

3. We are in the middle of Nutcracker season. It's such a fun time for Millie! She is a Bon bon again but she has the "lead" bon bon part. She's excited! There is lots of practices and four performances coming but she loves it so much!

4. The holiday season has begun. I am happy to report that I am 90% done with my Christmas shopping. I would like to have it all done before Thanksgiving but with Adam out of order, I doubt that will actually happen.

5. I got new pictures of the kids taken. I've very unhappy with them but bought them anyway...why do I do that? Next time I'm calling Janelle...Stay tuned and I'll post the best ones.

Well, that is about it I guess! Hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving!

It's your turn

At first glance this paper looks like Millie is practicing how to spell mom. I thought it was curious that she would practice this word since it's such an easy word to spell. Turns out this is a chart to keep track of whose turn it is to turn the tv on when Ian turns it off...M is for Millie...O is for Owen. The things you have to do when you have a brother like Ian.

Reflections

This year the reflections theme was "Beauty is...". Millie really wanted to enter and made an adorable vase with flowers in it. She worked really hard and was very proud. Matthais was required enter and he wrote a poem "Night" the day it was due (and the day he was sick with the flu). Matthais won his division and is on to the next level and Millie won an honorable mention. Funny how Matthais really didn't try but won. That's kinda how things go for him. He has this amazing natural talent when it comes to writing only he doesn't know it. Millie really wanted to win and thought really hard about what she wanted to do. I was worried about how she would take the news because she is so sensitive but she was very gracious and very happy that she won and honarable mention because last year she didn't even get that. I have amazing kids!

In the eye of the beholder

All of my kids have blue eyes...except Owen. When he was born they were dark and everyone told me they would be brown. Now, I don't have anything against brown eyes but I really wanted them to be blue. They kinda settled somewhere between brown and blue. You can't really tell by this picture but they are a brownish color on the inside with a bluish ring on the outside. Not wanting to concede to the whole brown eyes things I've always called them hazel because that is what color Adam's eyes are(and really, I think his kinda are too!) For some reason Owen had noticed lately that he doesn't have blue eyes like mom and the other kids. He asks all the time what color his eyes are and if they are like Matthais's, Millie's, etc. Everytime I tell him no...they are hazel like daddy's. But, he is smart. He looks at Adam's eyes and he looks in the mirror at his own and he knows they are not the same so he's been pretty confused over this whole thing. Well, not anymore. Today as I was taking him to preschool he climbed up front and looked at himself in the rearview mirror. "MOM!" he exclaimed, "My eyes aren't hazel! They are diet coke!!!" Hmmm, guess that means they're brown after all!

Ward trunk-or-treat

Happy Halloween! (only a few days late!)

Better late than never right?

Jack o lanterns

I hate carving pumpkins. I hate the smell, I hate the feel and I hate the mess. But, I am a mom, and a pretty cool mom at that, so I go along with it for the kids.


Ian really loved playing with the pumpkin "guts". It was just the sensory input he likes.

Matthais turns 12

I feel bad that I never posted about Matthais's 12th birthday. It's such a big one but since we were all sick that day it took a back seat.

Here is how he spent his day....


But later he was feeling better so we had a little party.

He got a hiking backpack and a tent. I don't think that exactly thrilled him but I think he knows he'll use it.


I can't believe my baby boy is 12! On Sunday he was ordained a deacon.


I was so emotional and everytime I think about him going to his first Young Men's activity on Thursday I start to tear up. I can't believe that I blinked and he turned 12. Happy Birthday Matthais...You will always be my wish come true!

Surviving the pandemic

That's right. Our family has officailly survived the flu pandemic of 2009. And it really wasn't that bad.

I usually don't buy into the media hype and really haven't thought much about H1N1 but when Ian started running a fever Sunday I decided to take him in on Monday for a flu test and some Tamiflu. Had it been any of my other kids I would have waited it out but because of Ian's underlying health concerns I felt like being proactive would be best for him. Sure enough he tested positive for the swine flu. He was better within 24 hours but one by one the rest of us caught it. Matthais caught it just in time for his 12th birthday. I belive we all had mild cases of it (with the exception of me) and everyone felt better within 24 hrs of the onset of the fever. I experienced more symptoms and was sick longer than the rest but I think that is because I ran myself ragged taking care of everyone else. Everyone is better (except for Owen's runny nose) and the house is cleaned and sterilized. Now everyone can quit treating us like we have the plague.

One week later

and I feel really good! but I also almost lept for joy when I realized I didn't have to spend a good chunk of my day running! My foot still hurts and for some reason my achilles has been aching but my toenails have quit hurting and my muscle feel healed. I am taking the next 4 weeks off of running to let my foot heal and I will be doing less high impact workouts until then. I'm starting P90X tomorrow. After 4 weeks I will try running again and will hopefully have enogh time to train before the half marathon in January.

Another year older...

This year I spent my birthday without much fanfare. Well, I guess for the last several years it's been that way. I watched kids (thursday's are my busiest daycare day) went to SEP's and to a visiting teaching interview. My husband brought me Zupa's for lunch and we went out to dinner. I had some amazing friends who showered me with love and lots of yummy gifts (and a flat of diet coke!!!). 34 was hard. I've never paniked about my age until this year. And I don't know if it's so much about turning 34 or just reflecting on my last year. The last year sucked. I can't say it anymore plainly than that. Emotionally I think I aged 20 years so no wonder I feel so much older than 34. And then there are the crows feet that have somehow managed to appear and the gray hair I pluck out every day. Really? Grey hair and wrinkles??? I'm doomed.

But even though I am another year older...I really am wiser too. I have learned who my true friends are. I have learned that some friendships aren't worth the pain that they cause you. I have learned to let go of things I have no control over. I have learned that when people struggle, the best thing you can do is be their friend. I have learned what it's like to love and to really be loved. I have learned that I can do hard things. I have learned that I am stronger than I thought. I have learned that I am worth it.

Yes it's been a really crappy year but I've learned so much from it and I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. Life will probably not get much easier but at least I am able to look at it through different eyes. Happy Birthday to me.

My first Marathon

We left for St.George on Friday and met up with my best friends from High School Jen and Missy at the little Expo that they held. We later went to the Olive Garden for some good ole carb loading. I didn't sleep that much that night...only 4 hours. I wasn't nervous so much as I just kept thinking about it. At 3:30 a.m. I got up and got ready.
We loaded the bus at 4:00 a.m. and the ride up seemed to take forever. Missy and I laughed knowing that we'd have to run all the way back. I wasn't prepared for the bitter cold we stepped off the bus into. Luckily the fires were up and going but if you stepped away from the fires for even a few seconds you would freeze
The few hour wait went by fairly fast and I had a lot of fun catching up with Missy. Jen and I talk every few weeks but Missy and I only keep up on facebook. And we share something in common...We've both kissed Adam...but that is a whole other story and we didn't talk about that! We were in line for the potty's when the gun went off so we started about 10 minutes later.
It was still so cold I felt like my muscles were already so sore...and we hadn't even started yet! The first six miles or so went great. Then I saw the hill. Nobody told me about this hill. That hill did me in. The rest of the run was a challenge. My knees hurt...my muscles hurt...I was winded. But I pressed on. At mile eight I noticed I couldn't bend my wrists. My hands were so swollen.
This is also about the time I could feel the blister on my toe pop. It hurt like crazy. It continued to fill and pop throughout the run.
Mile 13.1...halfway there but I felt done. This is when I first noticed the shuttles taking people off the mountain. Boy was I tempted. (not really).
The rest of the run was hard, long and lonely. Adam started calling and texting around mile 19 which was a great support to me.
This sign made me laugh...
This one too!

Mile 26
This is when I first saw Adam. I was so happy to see him I gave him a kiss and then let him run to the finish line so he could get a picture of me crossing the finish line.

Official time...6:06:34...I'm not complaining.

I am proud of myself and here is why you should be too...
1. I ran this thing 35lbs overweight. That number could be debatable because it's probably more like 45 but I am 35 lbs heavier than I was last year.
2. I trained during the worst summer of my life. Seriously. It started in April and didn't end until September (well, if if really has indeed ended). I didn't want to get out of bed those months let alone run.
3. I am not the best at following through on things. I wanted to quit soooo many times but I didn't... that alone is worth celebrating.

Things that didn't happen during the marathon that I thought would
1. I didn't die
2. I didn't puke
3. Didn't get the dreaded runner's diareha
4. I didn't cry

Things that I didn't expect
1. The bitter cold at the start
2. No toliet paper in the porta potties (really people!)
3. How immodest runners could be. I don't know how many men (and some women) who I saw peeing off the side of the road.
4. My feet to hurt. I expected my knees, my muscles and my back but not my feet. I'm pretty sure I have a stress fracture in my foot.

Would I do it again??? Maybe. But not alone. I would only ever do it again if I had someone running right along side of me.

But, I'm a marathoner now...I read somewhere that only 1% of people will ever run a marathon.
I ran the St. George marathon and I have the medal to prove it!

I'm a marathoner!

I bet you can't wait for the details!! I'm just waiting for the pictures to be developed and then boy do I have a story for you!

1 week and counting...

if you look to the right at my St.George Marathon ticker you will see that I am one week left until this glorious event. I.am.freaking.out. My last several runs have gone pretty good and I would even say my 20 miler was great. But, it's only 20 miles. I got this email from the marathon commitee a few weeks ago.

St. George Marathon Time Limit.
Keep in mind that the St. George Marathon has a 6 hour time limit. As a requirement for the race permit from the Utah Department of Transportation, State Road 18 must be opened after 6 hours to allow for resumed traffic flow.

After the road opens, it is impossible to guarantee the safety of any runner remaining on the state highway.

Time Limit Policy

All runners must reach the intersection of Snow Canyon Parkway and State Road 18 (south of mile marker 23)within 6 hours of the start of the race (12:45 pm). Any runner who is unsuccessful in meeting this time limit will be required to finish running the marathon on the SR 18 trail and city sidewalks where cones and barricades have been removed from the course, or ride to Worthen Park in a race shuttle.

This is a non-negotiable rule that will be strictly enforced by race officials and public safety personnel who have your welfare in mind.
Additionally, the St. George Marathon reserves the right to remove a runner from the course if, in our judgment, it is possible that serious or fatal injury could result from continued participation.
Please exercise wisdom in your participation.

See that last line?? Please exercise wisdom in your participation. Seriously? If I had any wisdom I would not be running this thing! So I have six hours. That is a 13:45 mile without any bathroom breaks. So far I've managed to run 13:30 minute miles but that is actual running time...bathroom stops are not included in this time. Today I did my 8 mile run in 12:20 minutes. So...I'm cutting it kinda close and I know this. And I also know that the world will not end if I finish this race in like 6 hours and 20 minutes. I'm so worried about the unknown. Thanks to Jen I know the horror stories of marathons. And...I've seen the pictures...

If I collapse do you think they'll carry me over the line???

My Dad

Tonight I had a little visit with my dad. I stopped to drop something off and so we talked. We talked about all kinds of things but not once did my dad bring up the big D. That's kinda how my dad is though. Our relationship is really complicated. I'm sure he'd talk to me about it if I asked but I didn't. I have a lot of questions for him but that'll be for another time. Tonight we talked about Ian and life in general. We talked about how quickly life goes by. He told me before I know it I'll be 51 and wondering where the last 10 years of my life has gone. I told him I already feel that way at 33. We talked about regrets and waking up feeling like we're letting life pass us by. I wondered about what he regrets...having me at 17? Missing out on my younger years? Selling me this house for dirt cheap? I don't know if he'd ever tell me...besides, some things are better left unsaid. My dad and I have missed out on so much of each others lives. It's really sad when I really think about it. But in the end...he is my dad...And...we love each other even though it's hard for us to say. I really enjoyed talking to him. Maybe this is a new beginning for us. Life is too short to not share it with the ones we love.

It really is all good

I immediately regretted my last post. After really thinking about it I realized how grateful I am for all the amazing ways my Heavenly Father blesses me. I read and re-read what I wrote and thought...That's it?? That's all you have to worry about??? Wow...you are so blessed! I didn't delete it because I really did feel so incredibly overwhelmed but seeing it on paper (or a computer screen rather) put it all in perspective for me. I am sad for the things that my family is going through. Some of them are dealing with trials because of their own decisions and some of them are out of their control but they each will provide learning and growing opportunities for them. And I can love and support them without becoming so emotionally involved. As for the things I'm dealing with...I really do love my life. It's not perfect. But it is good.

Enough?!?!?

Do you ever get to the point that you want to throw you hand up in the air and say ENOUGH ALREADY! Or maybe you fall to your knees and say Heavenly Father...it's been enough already...

I got to this point today. 3 hours of crying later....Here is what is going on in my life.

My mom and dad (who are have been divorced from each other for 32 years) are both going through divorces. My step-sister is also going through a divorce finally after being separated for 3+ years. This is good thing for sure but the fact that her soon-to-be ex kidnapped her son 3months ago is not. Since there is no established custody there is nothing she can do. Two of my brothers are unemployed. One of them is expecting a new baby and will soon be out of a home. My sister continues to struggle with serious health issues and she is dealing with discovering she has a stepson that she didn't know about and all the joys and problems of being a step mom. I worry about them all so much. It's hard for me not to. Adam is famous for saying "is there something you can do about it? No? Then why worry about it." I wish it was that simple for me. Then there are the issues with Ian, I'm still fighting him each morning, listening to ear piercing screams, cleaning poop out of carpet and off of walls, listening to the other kids scream each time he pulls there hair and dealing with the other myriad of things that come with Ian and autism. I'm physically exhausted every night and am finding very little time to train for the impending marathon. Oh yes... The marathon. WHAT was I thinking? I get physically ill every time I think about that day. I am not ready. I am not even close to being ready. I will press on however because I've done enough torturous runs to not let them go to waste. This is just a sample of the things I'm dealing with right now as some are too personal to post here...

I know that I use this forum to complain a lot....A LOT! I'm beginning to think that is why I don't have many friends. Maybe I'm too much of a downer. I really want to be happy. I really want to be a fun person with lots to offer this world but...how? How do people with trials (and we all have them) continue to go on and be happy? I feel like I can go days and days and put on this perfect smile until the dam finally breaks...like today...

Maybe I don't have enough faith? love? patience? Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough for the good? counting every blessing? All I know is that I'm really tired and I've had enough....

Owen's first day of Preschool

Can you believe it? Owen is old enough for preschool! He has anxiously awaited this day since the other kids started school. Finally, today arrived and he has asked me about 20 times when it was time for school to start....

He insisted wearing this shirt even though it's a rather warm day because when I bought it I told him it was for school...

He wasn't very happy when I told him he'd have to leave all the toys he packed in his backpack at home...

Look at him all big and brave!! He couldn't wait to get in there! As we were walking out the door he looked at me very seriously and said "mom, I don't know how to write my name!" I told him that it was ok and that is why he is going to school, to learn. "But mom!" he protested "I don't even have a pencil!!!" ha, ha, what a kid! I can't believe he's growing up.