Positive thoughts

Adam tells me I need to put something positive on my blog and I know he's right. I feel like at times I can be such a whiner. Last night my dear friend Abbie brought dinner over. It was truly a blessing as my kids would have been on their own for dinner but I couldn't help but feel guilty. Like, if I hadn't complained then she wouldn't have had to do that. But, I am thankful. The thing about my blog is that I don't like to sugar coat anything. Things are what they are. I remember a conversation I had with a friend awhile ago where she said that she didn't like blogs because the were always about all the wonderful things that happen and how their kids are the best and so forth. You know, ooey-gooey with sweetness. Well, I just try to keep things honest. There are a lot of wonderful things that happen. But life isn't always a bed of roses. But, a thought came to me today as I was vegging out in the tub when I should have been getting Ian ready for school. I was thinking to my self, "you are so lazy! you should not be doing this right now!". The thought occurred to me how many negative things I say to myself in a day and how many of them I've come to whole heartily agree with. Maybe if I think positive thoughts my life will be come more positive. It's worth a try. So, good news. I've lost 12 lbs since I came home from St. George. Yay! Other good news. Well, I can't think of any. But, I'll keep on the look out! Here is to a good day!

Heartbreak

Last night after I finally stopped by pity party my thoughts turned to my kids. One of the things I was frustrated about last night was the fact that my kids never do anything. Ever. They come home, turn on the t.v. and veg until dinner. Now, I know, this is completely and totally my fault. I need to be the adult and take charge and make them turn off the t.v. and have a life. But often I am consumed with Ian when he gets home and turns on the destruction so I leave the other kids to themselves. My kids have no social life. I listened as Matthais called 5 friends yesterday. None of them could play but really I am worried that none of them wanted to play... with him. Millie never plays with a friend unless I MAKE her call one. No one is begging to play with her. Am I passing on my issues with friends to my kids? Unlike my kids I WANT friends and a social life. They seem very content staying home. Part of the problem is that we do not live in the social part of the neighborhood. There is exactly 8 young kids on my street and I own 4 of them. It's not like it was for me when I was a kid when I could walk across the street or down the street a few houses or next door to find a friend. I'm sure it doesn't help that my kids do not go to our neighborhood school and is not socializing with other neighborhood kids at school. And then, you add in Ian. Millie's friends NEVER want to play here, which I don't blame them, I wouldn't either. Needless to say, we do not have kids knocking on the door or calling. This breaks my heart because I feel like my kids deserve to have friends and play like kids do. Every time I visit Suzanne and our old house and witness the kids running around the neighborhood I question our move here. I really feel I've given my kids a disservice by moving them to an "older" neighborhood. Or, is there plenty of opportunities for friends but my kids are just too "odd" to fit in? I don't know but I do know this. Today is a no t.v. day for my kids... And tomorrow too. There will be whining and crying and lots of boobing but I am the adult, I can be in charge. They are just going to have to find something else to do.

Emotional breakdown

It finally came to head to day. My down started out lousy. I woke up grumpy and onery and my kids woke up whiney. To top it all off I was hungry. Like, I could eat an elephant and still need more hungry. Owen whined and cried and boobed all day. I fought with him a million times over everything from food to getting in the car to using the toilet. It seems like everyone everywhere was out to make my life more difficult. And then, I ran to the store and came home to, you guessed it, poop. I lost it. I cried. and cried. and cried. Then I stopped. and then I cried. and cried. and cried. I threw Ian in the shower and the whole time he screamed "you don't listen to me! You don't like me!" and so I cried some more. I yelled at the kids because all they do is watch t.v. and leave stuff around for me to clean up. Then they cried. Sometimes you just have to let it all out don't you think? Anyway I'm feeling better now but Ian is still upstairs screaming "you don't like me". I've decided to ask his Neurologist if any of this could be a side affect of his medication when we see her on thursday. Something has to change. Soon.

Vera Mamanakis 1920-2010

My great aunt Vera died earlier this week. She was 90 years old and one of the last of grandma's seven siblings. The story is told that when I was a little girl my grandparents had taken me to Price with them and left me in the care of Vera and her husband Nick. Aunt Vera thought it would be a good idea to take me shopping for a new pair of shoes. Of course being the adults they were (and lacking a lot of experience with children) they picked out a practical pair for me. Me being the obstinate child cried until they bought the ones I liked. Funny thing is, I kinda remember this! I remember Aunt Vera's house being meticulously clean and not really being allowed in it. We spent time on her back porch mostly. But, I always loved going there. Until we meet again Aunt Vera!

Old friends

I had a fabulous visit with an old friend last night. Our friendship began when she became Ian's preschool teacher. One year into the special ed program and I was already beginning to sense our future in it. Then came Miss Jen. One of the things that really struck me about her was how much she loved the kids. I'd like to say it was just my kid that she was fond of but I'd be lying. She loved them all. When it was time for Ian to move on to Kindergarten she mentioned that Millie could come to her preschool as well. I just right on it! We've been friends for 7 years. She's one of those friends who I don't see often (she's in CA) but she still remembers everything I've told her. She remembers Millie's birthday. She noticed my new hardwood and my new car and she said I hadn't aged and that I look great. Seriously, who doesn't want a friend like that! A friend that gives as much as she takes. Actually, I would have to say she gives me so much more. She is my (and Ian's) biggest cheerleader. She helps me stay strong and speak my mind when I know things are not right. She gives me great advice and she doesn't blow me off when I tell her that I feel like Ian's education has been the biggest joke. In fact, she agrees. And, she gets it. She gets the pain and emotion and the frustration behind being a mom with a special needs child. No, she doesn't have a child with special needs in fact she's not even a mother yet (but she will be a FABULOUS one someday!) She gets it because she loves these kids too. I love that about her. I feel like Ian is one of the obstacles in many of my friendships. There are people that can't or aren't willing to deal with him. Not Jen. My kids just lit up when they saw her last night. Even Owen who only really new her as a baby and a toddler knew she was something special. And she is. Love you Jen.

Life...or something like it

The house is so quiet. Adam took the kids out to his mom's house and I stayed home to clean up this mess or better yet to read the book I just started for book club on Tuesday. Yet, I was drawn to the computer to post on my blog. It seems like I never have moments like these when I don't have someone pulling on one arm to get them a drink and another screaming from the bathroom that they need their bum wiped. It's strangely odd to be alone with my thoughts. Reflection for me can bring up some awful memories so I try not to do it too often. But as I think about the last year of my life I am happy with where I am now. Life still sucks but in a wonderful way! Where would I be without him

or without these little lovelies?

Life is defiantly much better with them by my side.


One note, it was just over a year ago that Ian had his big seizure in which we noticed significant changes in him. I am happy to say that he is doing so much better. Besides the poop (when will it ever end?!?!?!), he is talking again, singing, reciting the alphabet, and being more like the child we once knew. Prayers really are answered.

A day a little brighter

Because of these...

Thanks Jilleen! (BTW, I had to clean up poop AGAIN! Actually, Adam cleaned up the majority of it, I just cleaned the carpet again. Any idea how to make this STOP??!?!)

If you only knew...

Seriously. If you only knew what I just had to clean up (or rather, what I'm in the middle of cleaning up) you would bring me endless diet coke and cookies (even though I'm officially off of both!). If you knew that I've already cleaned up the same magnitude(and same content) of mess already once this week you would whisk me away for a girls night out. If you knew that I do this day after day you would beg me to let you take me to get a pedicure. I can never, never, EVER leave my house without coming home to some DISASTER most of the time involving POOP. Today takes the cake. I just loaded the ENTIRE content of my toy room in to the washing machine, the dishwasher and a sink full of bleach and I am now headed to rent a carpet cleaner. I almost took pictures because if I just told you you wouldn't believe me but didn't because that is just gross. Sigh. Matthais, crying because he was babysitting when the incident occurred, asked me why we have to have Ian in our family. When I am knee deep in poop I wonder the same thing. What am I learning from this? Why do the lessons keep repeating themselves? When will I ever receive some relief?? Sometimes the things I know to be true are of no comfort. Things are just not fair. But that's life right?? I find myself telling my kids that all the time...Life is not fair; it's a little hard to be on that not so fair side. Well, I better run and get that carpet cleaner before it dries. Of course that will require leaving the kids home while I leave my house. Wonder what I'll get to come home to next.

Ian

Ian hasn't been eating much since he started his new medication a month ago. I don't know for sure but I think he's lost between 7-10lbs and it shows. I sent some Ensure to school for him to drink since he's not eating lunch and I try to force feed him in the morning and at night. Doesn't always work. I'm not really sure the medication is working either. It is certainly helping with his attention span but the screaming has gotten worse. Yesterday he screamed over every little thing until Adam got home. I was at my wits end by then. He also pooped on the toy room floor and then stepped in it. We really are making progress with the whole potty training thing and we aren't going through pull-ups quite as fast. I would say he uses the toilet 75% of the time so I am now convinced that the other 25% of the time he is just being lazy or needs the attention. Half of the time he uses the toilet he does so on his own without any help so I know he is completely capable of being potty trained. I spoke with his teacher earlier this week and she informed me he will be moving schools again. I should be upset by this but I am completely relieved. The school he is going to is a special education school. He will have access to resources he hasn't before (like a brand new sensory room) and the teachers are better equipped to handle his behavior problems. Hopefully he will start going there this summer which would also be a welcome relief for me. I don't know how I am going to survive 3 months home with this kid if he doesn't have school. Spring Break was such a challenge and my back is still hurting from out incident. He is getting bigger and stronger and more stubborn everyday. Other than that I just continue to pray that we find something that works for him. I feel like we are losing time and that if we don't get things figured out soon it's going to get worse not better. Puberty is not that far off and I've heard that this is a make or break period for kids with autism. I have hope though and I think this new school will be a great thing for us.

Wow

This little cutie is Eva. The big fat lady holding her is me. Wow. That is all I could think when I saw this picture. I stared at it a long time not really recognizing myself. I don't think of myself this big. I mean, I know I am overweight but wow...I never really realized how much. I ran a marathon at this weight and can keep up in aerobics classes and feel like I am a young, fit person. This picture tells another story. Really, I don't know what happened but I do know that I've spent the last year battling some demons and I haven't quite been myself. I feel like I am getting better emotionally/mentally and I need to get myself better physically too. I know I've mentioned it more than once on this blog and so you're probably thinking, why will this time be any different? It will and that is all I can say. I've had an epiphany of sort and it took looking at that picture to make it happen. If you want to follow along you can check out my running blog which will now become my weight loss/running blog...if I can get the motivation to update it!

Spring Break

I think St.George on Spring Break is becoming a tradition. We love it down there. There is so much to see and do we never have enough time to do everything we want. This year we had some friends join us for the fun. The more the merrier right? Here are some of the highlights. We stayed in Richfield the first night but I didn't take any pictures there. Even though the drive is only about 4 hours it was nice to split it up up. When we first arrived in St. George we headed to the park. After weeks of snow and rain it felt so good to be out in the sun. Take note of Millie and my matching shirts...she thought that was so cool!

We spent so much time in the hotel pool. I am so glad the kids are finally old enough to swim by themselves since I hate swimming. The kids loved swimming,I loved reading my book and Adam loved fishing!

Later that night the kids and I grabbed dinner and headed out to Quail Creek where we had dropped Adam off earlier too fish. The kids all went out on the boot but no one had any luck with the fish.

The next day we went to Sand Hollow. Adam had already spent the morning fishing there so we went just to play in the sand and water.



That night we grabbed some pizza and headed to Pioneer park. If you've never been there it is defiantly a place to go. There are a number of rocks to hike and climb. We got there a little too close to dark so we didn't have much time to hike. That and we had 3 kids 18mos and under! Still, we had fun.

Our last day there was spent at Snow Canyon. More sand and small little hikes.


It's always nice to get away and have some fun but it's also so much work. I hurt my back one morning picking up Ian off the floor when he was throwing one of his fits. He had a really hard time during the mornings which was when Adam was fishing. I was glad to have Lexi along to help me with him. One of Ian's favorite people in the whole world is Steve so he tagged along with him giving me some relief. It was defiantly worth the stress and I wish the weather here would cooperate and warm up!

Easter Sunday

 

Having conference fall on Easter Sunday this year was wonderful. There is nothing like listening to the leaders of our church testify of Christ to set the tone for this wonderful holiday. We do not celebrate Easter with baskets but have chosen instead to Celebrate the resurection of Christ. We do let the kids participate in an Easter egg hunt at my mom's house. Matthais was "too big" to do it this year. Boy, they grow up so fast! We had a great dinner with my family and there wasn't any fights (although, I thought it was close when we brougt up the dog poop in the back yard!)

Harris Day 2010

 

Our annual Harris day was split into two days this year. We started friday with a trip to the Lehi Legacy center for swimming. On Saturday we met at a church after the first session of Conference for lunch and games. It wasn't really any different from our usual get togethers but now that so many of the kids are getting older any excuse for the entire family to get together is great. It's strange now that some of the nieces and nephews are getting older and have their own lives. We have one on a mission and one getting married. Seems like they get to a certain age and we never see them anymore. This makes me sad yet I understand too. I'm just glad my kids are still young enough to appreciate these times together. I hope we are still doing Harris day in 10 years and we will have the next generation with us

Autism Awareness Day

Autism, as you know, is something that deeply affects our family. Everyday we struggle with this disease that is so common, yet, so mysterious. Our days rage from extreme silliness and laughter to screaming hysterics and tantrums; we never know what is in store for us. I wouldn't change it though. Ian has taught me more about unconditional love than I thought I would ever know. He is hard but he is such a joy. I love you Ian!