I love setting goals. I think I've mentioned it here before but I set goals all the time. I don't feel like just because it's a new year I need to have resolutions but it does feel like a good time to start. I thought long and hard about the things I wanted to accomplish in 2011. I had a clever little list similar to President Hinckley's six Be's and was ready to get started. They were things like Be kind, Be healthy, Be smart, etc. Then something happened.
Last week I was extremely emotional. Several things had happened, several words were spoken and every day I felt more worthless then the day before. Wednesday we met with our ward in the temple for ward temple night. I didn't want to go. I could think of a million things I'd rather do but I knew that is exactly why I needed to be there. It was incredible to see all the members of our ward there! Absolutely amazing! But, once again, surrounded by so many people I know, I felt completely alone. The tears started while at the temple and continued into the night.
All of my life I have struggled with self esteem and self worth issues. There have been times in my life where the adults in my life told me I was worthless and un-loved. As an adult, I can see that the things I was told as a child are untrue but it's been a real struggle for me to get past the feeling of worthlessness I have. After crying all night to my amazing husband he said something that really stood out. He said "you need to work on your relationship with yourself". It was a huge ah ha moment! He was so right! Everything I worry about, everything that makes me sad, everything I struggle with starts with me. If I could feel better about myself, maybe everything else would start getting better?
That is when it hit me! This year I am not making a New Year's resolution. I am starting a New Year Revolution! I am working on one thing and that is me. I am going to learn to see myself the way Heavenly Father sees me. I am going to work on loving myself. I am going to feel worth it! And then I'm going to let everything else fall into place...
It won't be easy. The feelings I have are rooted deep. And really, I don't know even where to begin. What I do know is that I'm ready to change my life and I feel like if I can improve this I can improve anything. I also know I'm worth it!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
New Year Revolution
Posted by Unknown at 10:11 AM
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6 people not afraid to say something:
I am so glad you have decided to do that because you deserve to see yourself as everyone else sees you, As an amazing person. Good Luck. I hope this year you do realize what a great person you are.
Yeah for New Year Revolutions! I love it and I know you are going to do GREAT! The Lord will guide you were to start. He loves you! (And so do I!)
This is great, Ang. It makes me sad to think that you don't see yourself as anything but amazing! Because you most certainly are. I have looked up to you for years. You are so strong and when you want something, you make it happen. I have always wondered if I would have had the strength or faith to go to church by myself as a teenager like you did. I love ya!
We had a Relief Society Lesson (I think it was the one Becky gave at the end of December) - President Uchtdorf - and he talks about that exact thing in the talk. I went home and read it. I really like the concept of having a good relationship with yourself and seeing yourself in the way God sees you. It's really hard to do. But I think, like you said, everything else will fall into place once you feel better about yourself. Good luck! You're worth it.
Hey this is an awesome blog and entry. I just found out yesterday while reading up on Vit D that we need it everyday and when we have enough we feel healthier and better about ourselves. I mean you don't feel worthless constantly, just sometimes, right? So may a supplement of 2,000 units per day (that's what my doc recommended for me for immunity & healing) and some time outdoors, 15 mins was recommended in my readings. Idk, but maybe those will assuage those neg feelings. Because, yeah, everyone that is not you thinks you are awesome! :) now if you can just get on board! :D
Angi, I love those aha moments. I've experienced so much growth this past year in relation to feelings of being alone. I'm sure I have a long way to go, but it's been a worth while journey.
I think you're wonderful!
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