A conversation with Ian

Yesterday was a bad day. In fact you might even say it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I know that the root of the problem is me. I've known that for a long time now. I am struggling with so many different problems that all the little things push me over the edge. Having Ian doesn't help. Ian is a 24 hour a day job. Most kids are, but I mean 24 hour hard, manual, back breaking labor. If I had nothing else to do in a day but breathe, I could handle Ian. But as it turns out, that is not the case. After Adam got home and I unloaded on him, (I only posted about half the story) I still felt very overwhelmed and stressed. I was itching to get out of the house but I had no where to go so I just kinda moped around. After about and hour or so of that Adam said "you need to take Ian for a walk". The LAST thing I wanted to do was take Ian for a walk. Adam insisted so I did. We walked around the block and our conversation was something like this (I'll give you the readers digest version)

Ian: Promise, don't stay out of the road.
Mom: Ian, you need to stay out of the road
Ian: Promise, never stay out of the road

Ian: Promise, never touch other peoples cars
Mom: That's right Ian, don't touch the cars
Ian: Promise, never

Ian: Promise, never go to Preston's House (we were walking by Preston's house)
Mom: You can play at Preston's house, just not today
Ian: Promise, never play at Preston's house

The conversation went on like this the whole time. If you've ever had a conversation with Ian you know that he repeats himself over and over and says very random things. And it seems to us like he always says the opposite of what he means. For instance, he is always saying "never go peepee in the potty" even though we tell him to go peepee in the potty. Anyway, Adam must have been inspired to have me take Ian on this walk because I learned a lot about Ian. I realized that pretty much all we say to Ian is "don't" "no" "stop". Sure there are a few "good jobs" and "That's awesome" but most of the talk is negative. Ian has no friends. He watches his brother and sister play and go to others houses and Ian is just home. Sending him to someones house is asking them to babysit and I hate doing that to people and no one wants to come here. His way of initiating play is pulling hair and climbing on people. Most people are turned off my the sheer volume of his voice. This kid is amazing. I love him with all of my heart and I am not giving him a fair shake simply because it's too hard. I am his mom and I know him better than anyone else yet, I am the one that wants to spend the least amount of time with him. He is at school today and yes the house is less chaotic. I've managed to get a lot done and I haven't had to clean up any pee. But, I miss him. I need to be the kind of mother he deserves. I need to be more patient, more loving and more uplifting to him. I know he is my son for a reason and I believe it's so that he can drag me into heaven with him. Man I love that kid! Now it's time to show him.