1 week and counting...

if you look to the right at my St.George Marathon ticker you will see that I am one week left until this glorious event. I.am.freaking.out. My last several runs have gone pretty good and I would even say my 20 miler was great. But, it's only 20 miles. I got this email from the marathon commitee a few weeks ago.

St. George Marathon Time Limit.
Keep in mind that the St. George Marathon has a 6 hour time limit. As a requirement for the race permit from the Utah Department of Transportation, State Road 18 must be opened after 6 hours to allow for resumed traffic flow.

After the road opens, it is impossible to guarantee the safety of any runner remaining on the state highway.

Time Limit Policy

All runners must reach the intersection of Snow Canyon Parkway and State Road 18 (south of mile marker 23)within 6 hours of the start of the race (12:45 pm). Any runner who is unsuccessful in meeting this time limit will be required to finish running the marathon on the SR 18 trail and city sidewalks where cones and barricades have been removed from the course, or ride to Worthen Park in a race shuttle.

This is a non-negotiable rule that will be strictly enforced by race officials and public safety personnel who have your welfare in mind.
Additionally, the St. George Marathon reserves the right to remove a runner from the course if, in our judgment, it is possible that serious or fatal injury could result from continued participation.
Please exercise wisdom in your participation.

See that last line?? Please exercise wisdom in your participation. Seriously? If I had any wisdom I would not be running this thing! So I have six hours. That is a 13:45 mile without any bathroom breaks. So far I've managed to run 13:30 minute miles but that is actual running time...bathroom stops are not included in this time. Today I did my 8 mile run in 12:20 minutes. So...I'm cutting it kinda close and I know this. And I also know that the world will not end if I finish this race in like 6 hours and 20 minutes. I'm so worried about the unknown. Thanks to Jen I know the horror stories of marathons. And...I've seen the pictures...

If I collapse do you think they'll carry me over the line???

My Dad

Tonight I had a little visit with my dad. I stopped to drop something off and so we talked. We talked about all kinds of things but not once did my dad bring up the big D. That's kinda how my dad is though. Our relationship is really complicated. I'm sure he'd talk to me about it if I asked but I didn't. I have a lot of questions for him but that'll be for another time. Tonight we talked about Ian and life in general. We talked about how quickly life goes by. He told me before I know it I'll be 51 and wondering where the last 10 years of my life has gone. I told him I already feel that way at 33. We talked about regrets and waking up feeling like we're letting life pass us by. I wondered about what he regrets...having me at 17? Missing out on my younger years? Selling me this house for dirt cheap? I don't know if he'd ever tell me...besides, some things are better left unsaid. My dad and I have missed out on so much of each others lives. It's really sad when I really think about it. But in the end...he is my dad...And...we love each other even though it's hard for us to say. I really enjoyed talking to him. Maybe this is a new beginning for us. Life is too short to not share it with the ones we love.

It really is all good

I immediately regretted my last post. After really thinking about it I realized how grateful I am for all the amazing ways my Heavenly Father blesses me. I read and re-read what I wrote and thought...That's it?? That's all you have to worry about??? Wow...you are so blessed! I didn't delete it because I really did feel so incredibly overwhelmed but seeing it on paper (or a computer screen rather) put it all in perspective for me. I am sad for the things that my family is going through. Some of them are dealing with trials because of their own decisions and some of them are out of their control but they each will provide learning and growing opportunities for them. And I can love and support them without becoming so emotionally involved. As for the things I'm dealing with...I really do love my life. It's not perfect. But it is good.

Enough?!?!?

Do you ever get to the point that you want to throw you hand up in the air and say ENOUGH ALREADY! Or maybe you fall to your knees and say Heavenly Father...it's been enough already...

I got to this point today. 3 hours of crying later....Here is what is going on in my life.

My mom and dad (who are have been divorced from each other for 32 years) are both going through divorces. My step-sister is also going through a divorce finally after being separated for 3+ years. This is good thing for sure but the fact that her soon-to-be ex kidnapped her son 3months ago is not. Since there is no established custody there is nothing she can do. Two of my brothers are unemployed. One of them is expecting a new baby and will soon be out of a home. My sister continues to struggle with serious health issues and she is dealing with discovering she has a stepson that she didn't know about and all the joys and problems of being a step mom. I worry about them all so much. It's hard for me not to. Adam is famous for saying "is there something you can do about it? No? Then why worry about it." I wish it was that simple for me. Then there are the issues with Ian, I'm still fighting him each morning, listening to ear piercing screams, cleaning poop out of carpet and off of walls, listening to the other kids scream each time he pulls there hair and dealing with the other myriad of things that come with Ian and autism. I'm physically exhausted every night and am finding very little time to train for the impending marathon. Oh yes... The marathon. WHAT was I thinking? I get physically ill every time I think about that day. I am not ready. I am not even close to being ready. I will press on however because I've done enough torturous runs to not let them go to waste. This is just a sample of the things I'm dealing with right now as some are too personal to post here...

I know that I use this forum to complain a lot....A LOT! I'm beginning to think that is why I don't have many friends. Maybe I'm too much of a downer. I really want to be happy. I really want to be a fun person with lots to offer this world but...how? How do people with trials (and we all have them) continue to go on and be happy? I feel like I can go days and days and put on this perfect smile until the dam finally breaks...like today...

Maybe I don't have enough faith? love? patience? Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough for the good? counting every blessing? All I know is that I'm really tired and I've had enough....

Owen's first day of Preschool

Can you believe it? Owen is old enough for preschool! He has anxiously awaited this day since the other kids started school. Finally, today arrived and he has asked me about 20 times when it was time for school to start....

He insisted wearing this shirt even though it's a rather warm day because when I bought it I told him it was for school...

He wasn't very happy when I told him he'd have to leave all the toys he packed in his backpack at home...

Look at him all big and brave!! He couldn't wait to get in there! As we were walking out the door he looked at me very seriously and said "mom, I don't know how to write my name!" I told him that it was ok and that is why he is going to school, to learn. "But mom!" he protested "I don't even have a pencil!!!" ha, ha, what a kid! I can't believe he's growing up.

Teeth

I hate going to the dentist. I would rather give birth than have my teeth worked on. That goes for cleanings and x-rays too. I start getting nervous the night before my appointment. I can't sleep. The morning of I start contemplating cancelling my appointment. It's always been this way. It's been two years since I've been to the dentist. Wait...actually three. I cracked a tooth a few weeks ago and I knew that I'd have to take care of it and the longer I waited the worse it would be maybe even ending up with a cavity or needing a root canal or something. So I went and I was tortured and I hated every minute of the hour I was there. I needed a crown and so in the meantime I have temporary crown on. It lasted a whole three days before it started popping off every time I ate something. I finally had enough and on Saturday and I called my sister-in-law who she met me at her dentist's office (she's a dental assistant) and she glued it on. I wasn't prepared for the pain that would entail! I thought she would just slap some glue on it and pop it back on but no... Anyway...that lasted Oh, about 3 hours and then it came off again. This morning as I was eating some toast it came off and I crunched down on it and it broke! UGH! So, I have broken temporary crown that keeps falling off...and my appointment isn't until next Monday. I have absolutely no desire to go get it glued on again but I don't know how I can possibly wait another week. Besides that who has time?? Why is it that things can't ever be simple for me?? Why does it always have to be more complicated than it needs to be? I guess I do live for the drama....

Long overdue..

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't post until I could write something positive...Well, it's been a few weeks and I finally decided I was going to post anyway...afterall, this IS my life! No sense sugar coating anything! That being said...things haven't been terrible either. We are blessed and I see the Lord's hand in my life on a daily basis.

Back to school time is one of the hardest times for me. I watch as the other kids Ian's age head off to school and I can't help mourn for him and yes, even me. He's in fourth grade! I remember fourth grade vividly from my friends, to my boyfriend, to after school activities. There is none of that for him. He is struggling so far this year but we seem to make some progress each day. Both his MRI and EEG resulted in no further knowledge. I am now ready to embark on adjusting his diet to see if we can figure something out. Overall we are surviving and hopefully it will get better from here.

My marathon training...well...has really sucked. This is a huge issue for me. I have not done the work I need to do and I will suffer for it. Last year I was on track for a 4:30 hour marathon and this year I am hoping to finish in 6 hours. I hope I'm not in complete denial about it. I hope I really can do this! This summer has been so hard and I didn't want to think about it. It's a month away....it's coming wether I'm ready or not...

Owen starts preschool next week and I wish I could say that I get to enjoy a few hours to myself but I will still be doing daycare. I enjoy it for the most part and I have really good kids! (wish I could say that about the parents too! UGH!) Can you believe Owen is old enough for preschool? It's not fair. I guess I'll always be saying that though right? They do grow up so fast.

So that is it in a nutshell. Nothing fabulous. Just life. But, I'll take it.