Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
When Ian was first diagnosed with autism I felt nothing. It meant nothing to me. I knew he was delayed but I felt he would eventually catch up. The second time I was told Ian had autism I cried, still not really understanding what it all meant. Over the years I find myself going through the steps of grieving over and over. Just when I feel I have acceptance, I start over again. Right now I am in the anger stage. I am so angry that no one can tell me exactly what is wrong with my child. I mean, most children with a disability also have a cause i.e. genitic, sickness, accident but with austism they just don't know. Was it something I did during pregnancy? Was it something I did when he was a baby? Did we not nurture him enough? Was it immunaztions? Was it an illness? Why can't someone tell me?? As the years go by and Ian's peers continue to grow and learn and Ian just stays stagnit, his disability becomes more apparent. When he was five and still acting two the gap wasn't as wide as now that he is nine and still acting two. And now with all the added behavior problems I feel like we are starting all over with the initial diagnosis. I've had Ian into several doctors lately and we've had them run several tests. The results? nothing. We know no more today about Ian and his behavior than we did last week. Sooooo frustrating. And I am angry. I just want a cure. I just want someone to help him. I just want him to be normal...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The five steps of grieving
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5 people not afraid to say something:
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had the magic cure. I don't know if you have tried a gluten free diet yet? I am sure you have but I just thought I would throw it our there. All my love, thoughts and prayers!!!!!!
i love you, ang. Something's gotta give. Let yourself be angry. Scream and shout. Stomp and kick... and move on to the next stage... Just make sure you let it out.
k
Who knows why the Lord gives us what He does? Maybe there was absolutely nothing you could've done that would have made him any different. You are enough! You are the perfect mom for him-cuz you are HIS mom. The days may never get any easier and you may never find answers to all the "?'s" there will always be questions and we may not like the answers if we had them---what if you had them? What if they found XYZ happened ineutero or whatever it doesn't change today and you would just beat yourself over the head with it. The answer is he is the way he is for so many reasons, maybe so his mom could inspire others to keep going when we have craptacular weeks! You and Ian are loved and truly inspirations! (sorry about lunch-Ky gets out at 12 and I had to clean for a showing anyway)
Angi, it's interesting that you're first comment mentioned the gluten free diet. Last week a woman told me her son came out autism after two years on a gluten free diet. I don't understand it. I wish I could remember who it was.
It's hard to pass through trials without understanding. I love you.
I have been debating on whether to write you a comment. First of all, I understand where you are and your feelings. I am learning too and do not have the answers. With that said, I have realized that I do not need the answers. It does not change that my son has autism. Knowing that means I want to help him in every way possible. My questions now are Is he in the right program? Is he getting enough stimulus to activate his brain? How can I tap into his world? Is he happy? Does he feel my love for him? Does he feel the love of the Lord? I can only do so much. The doctors and medical personnel can only do so much. You and I both know that we have to be on our knees more often. It is the only cure, the only answers, the only peace we get in this confusing world. Your feelings are validated but remember Satan wants you to get discouraged, anger, lonely, isolated, frustrated, etc... You are not alone. Turn to the Lord in all your doings. He will tell you what you need to do. Our boys are so special and they don't need to be "in this world" to experience life. I know we want our boys to be normal but do we really want them to experience this wicked world. They are protected. Be the mother Ian needs you to be. You can do it! Even though he may not let you know, he want you to know he loves you. I do know that for sure. I'm here for you always.
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