Exhaustion

Anyone else as tired as me? I feel like I've been going 1000 mph and barely had time to catch my breath. It's always like that when Adam is gone and I'm on my own. How do single moms do it? How do military moms do it? I don't sleep well when he's gone and the stress alone in enough to do me in. I also wanted the house to look good when Adam came home yesterday which was no easy task. Everything falls apart when I'm on my own but I don't want him to know that. I want him to think I'm a strong capable woman who can handle her four kids. I don't want him to worry about me while he's gone. So, I wanted the house clean. Six, yes SIX hours of cleaning and it looked acceptable. By time he got home around 8:00 I wanted to plop into bed. Of course I was excited to see him and wanted to catch up and do a little snuggling but I was exhausted! I think I finally gave into sleep around 10:00 and slept until 7:45! I woke up in a panic realizing how late it was at that Ian's bus would be here in 5 minutes! The whole house was quiet and everyone was still sleeping so I put the "no bus" sign on the door and climbed back in bed. I could have easily fallen back asleep but I knew I needed to start my day so I just lied there. So here I am now....it's after noon and I'm still dragging my feet wishing I could crawl back into bed. But alas, I'm a busy mom and I have a hungry kid. Exhaustion will just have to wait!

One word challenge

Because I need a new post...

1. Where is your cell phone? questionable
2. Your significant other? magnetic
3. Your hair? lifeless
4. Your mother? heartfelt
5. Your father? grounded
6. Your favorite thing? bed
7. Your dream last night? nothing
8. Your favorite drink? DietCoke
9. Your dream/goal? marathon
10. What room you are in? messiest
11. Your hobby? laziness
12. Your fear? spiders
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. Where were you last night? performance
16. Muffins? poppyseed
17. Wish list item? carpet
18. Where you grew up? home
19. Last thing you did? bath
20. What are you wearing? Jeans
21. Your TV? off
22. Your pets? pain
23. Friends? busy
24. Your life? insane
25. Your mood? indifferent
26. Missing someone? lots
27. Car? filthy
28. Something you're not wearing? makeup

The five steps of grieving

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

When Ian was first diagnosed with autism I felt nothing. It meant nothing to me. I knew he was delayed but I felt he would eventually catch up. The second time I was told Ian had autism I cried, still not really understanding what it all meant. Over the years I find myself going through the steps of grieving over and over. Just when I feel I have acceptance, I start over again. Right now I am in the anger stage. I am so angry that no one can tell me exactly what is wrong with my child. I mean, most children with a disability also have a cause i.e. genitic, sickness, accident but with austism they just don't know. Was it something I did during pregnancy? Was it something I did when he was a baby? Did we not nurture him enough? Was it immunaztions? Was it an illness? Why can't someone tell me?? As the years go by and Ian's peers continue to grow and learn and Ian just stays stagnit, his disability becomes more apparent. When he was five and still acting two the gap wasn't as wide as now that he is nine and still acting two. And now with all the added behavior problems I feel like we are starting all over with the initial diagnosis. I've had Ian into several doctors lately and we've had them run several tests. The results? nothing. We know no more today about Ian and his behavior than we did last week. Sooooo frustrating. And I am angry. I just want a cure. I just want someone to help him. I just want him to be normal...