Always a bump in the road

Just when things with Ian were getting to be half way normal (normal for us anyway) , He decides to throw us a curve ball. Guess that's how it is with autism...you never know what you are going to get. His behavior has improved greatly. That is, as long as he is on his medication. Now he is experiencing insomnia. There are nights that he is awake for the greater part of the night. Like from midnight until 5 or 6 in the morning. There are times we can get him back to sleep and there are nights that he is wide awake, ready to play. I have no idea why this might be happening now. He's always been a fairly light sleeper and he's always woken up several times at night but this is a whole new experience; one that I'm ready to be rid of. He did sleep pretty well last night but that was after two nights of pulling all-nighters so I don't think his body gave him any choice. I did hear him wake a few times but he never actually got out of bed until sometime early this morning. Is this a good trade? good behavior for no sleep? I'm not sure. If it is one of his medications making it so he doesn't sleep we might be back to square one. I'm not sure I can handle that... I have really enjoyed the new and improved Ian. Hopefully this is just another bump in the road.

Quite possibly the scariest experience of my life

I promised I would post about this today. I'm afraid it will really just disappoint. It's one of those "you had to be there" kind of experiences but I will write about it anyway.

I took the kids and headed up to Park City for the weekend. My sister and I thought it would be a good idea to take the kids on the Alpine slide. Once we got there I realized they probably would not let Ian go down with me because of his size and I knew I wasn't going to send him down on his own. I talked to several people and after talking to a supervisor who said he would not stop me but he advised me not to, I decided to go ahead and take Ian anyway. Honestly I was so worried about the risks of taking Ian down the slide I hadn't given much thought to how we were going to get to the top of the mountain. Let me just start by saying I am extremely afraid of heights. I hate them. I panic when it's just me but now I am taking my four children and heading on a ski lift and I am extremely freaked out. The minute the ski lift takes off Ian starts screaming. He doesn't want to go on the "roller coaster" and he wants off. I start crying. I have my arms around him in a death grip and the tighter I hold the more he wants out of my grip. The ski lift is extremely slow and even stops at one point. I feel like I am going to puke and I am getting more hysterical by the minute which only adds to the chaos and tension the kids are feeling. Ian continues to scream and wiggle and I continue to panic because I know if he wanted to get off he could. I know this kid, I know his strength and I know what he can do if he wants to. I ask Matthais to say a prayer. This calms me a little but I can see that we are still several minutes from the top. I loosen my grip and Ian and talk to the kids as calmly as possible trying to help everyone relax. Finally we reach the top. I really feel like we were being watched over. You would not believe how many times Ian has flopped, wiggled, and just muscled his way out my grip when he wanted to get away from me. I don't have any other explanation for why he didn't this time. He didn't want to be on the ski lift yet he stayed...it was a huge blessing. The ride down wasn't nearly as traumatic even with the two of us squeezing onto the little sled. Here are some pictures before the anxiety attack...

Owen was so cute and not scared at all. He kept saying "I wish I wish I was big enough to go myself!" Millie was a little more afraid then she let on. She went so slow she had a huge line behind her. The people behind her weren't very nice as they were expecting a nice fast ride only to find themselves held up by a little girl! If you ask her though, she'll tell you the sled wouldn't go any faster! I'm glad my kids had this experience but I'm telling you, I will never, ever take Ian on a ski lift again! Next time I'll hike...

Ian's Parent Teacher conference

First off I have to tell you the craziest thing that happened at his P/T conference. I arrived at my scheduled time 4:20. The teacher was busy with another parent inside so I sat down on the chair outside the door. 5 or so minutes a lady came up and started talking to me. She asked my if my son was in this class etc. She pointed out her son and we talked a minute or two and then she started walking away down the hall. The teacher came out and looked right at me and said "thanks for waiting" unto which I replied "no problem." I had Kaili with me and she took off and ran down the hall and that other lady turned around, walked back to the classroom and  TOTALLY BUTTED! She went right in and sat down with the teacher. REALLY? I had a fidgety one-year-old and I was clearly there before her but I guess her time was so much more important than mine. Some people! Anyway, This conference was so nice. For once all I heard was positive about Ian. In fact the teacher gave me list of things and there were 8 positives compared to 2 negatives. Here is some of the things Ian's teacher has to say about him.

*Behaviors are often good. He is a delight to be around normally. He is pretty social with his peer tutors like him and want to be with him usually.. He also sometimes says to me on the playground "come on let's go slide" He wants to play and have friends. He also shows other signs of wanting friends. ( this actually broke my heart a little. I know he desperately wants friends)

*He plays well with animals and is able to name them often and will sometimes have a great imagination about what the animals do. He sounds just like a regular fifth grader at times (Yippee!)

*Does a great job of telling us about pictures when reading stories.

*He is a good kid (yes, he really is! Thank you for noticing and reinforcing the positive!)

Some of the things he needs to work on are the tantrums and screaming and taking turns but this is all stuff we are aware of and working on. I'm really happy with this school and with this teacher. She has said over and over what a delight he is. It feels good to know he is in a place where he is wanted!

Day 2,"The Secret" and other ramblings

Day 2 of no facebook is proving to be harder than day one. I cannot believe how much of a habit I had formed checking facebook 20 + times a day. Already today I've walked down my stairs several times to check the computer. Sigh.

On another note...have you ever heard of "The Secret" or the law of attraction? Don't worry, I'm not going all New thought on you. Basically The Secret is that if you if you want something all you need to do is ask, believe, receive. It can be anything from a closer parking space to winning that trip to Rome; you just need to make it known to the universe, feel as though the action is on it's way, and be open to receiving it. Well, I seem to have an opposite law going on in my life. Maybe the law of un-attraction?? Remember last week when I posted this about  Ian using the toilet 90% of the time? I was hesitant to say that, to make it known to the universe and I had good reason to be. We have now regressed to about 50%. Why oh why when I think we've finally got a grip on things do they slip away?!?!? Can you see why I almost never write about the great things happening? All kidding aside I am completely frustrated with this change of events as is his teacher at school I'm sure. I sent him in a pull up today. All we can do is plug away right?

Speaking of toilet training, anyone know how long it takes to housebreak a puppy? I thought we had a good handle on that as well but just in the last few days we've had several accidents. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a parent or a dog owner. I mean how many living beings am I allowed to mess up??? Bigger Sigh.

My foot is still really bothering me. I'm really hesitant to go to the Dr. so he can refer me to a podiatrist so that he can send me to physical therapy so that I can do the same exercises I'm all ready doing thanks to the help from a physical therapist in my ward. There is part of me though that wonders if my self diagnosis is correct. I'm anxious to get moving again and to get this weight off. I'm doing ok with just diet but I am much more motivated when I am exercising. I also want to quit drinking diet coke. YIKES! That one is going to be hard. Good thing I'm not doing it right now cause if I quit drinking diet coke and facebook at the same time I'd really be a mess! I have several cans in the garage but once they are gone, I am done. Biggest Sigh. My few pleasures in life will soon be gone. But, I will be a better, stronger, healthier person because of it right? RIGHT????

p.s. Feedback is optional but greatly desired! Not having facebook has made me even more desperate for commentors on my blog so PLEASE, feel free to comment!

Feeling a little stressed

But I guess that's how it goes when you are a mom. I've had a lot on my mind and on my plate lately. The latest? Millie will be going in for surgery tomorrow. I know this surgery is not life threatening in any way but I always get uneasy when one of my babies goes under anesthesia. She will be fine. I will be fine. In the meantime I need to take care of all the logistics like babysitting for Owen and taking the day off and getting everyone to school. I also had to shuffle Dr. appointments and get prescriptions filled. Tomorrow is also Owen's first day of preschool. Hopefully I'll be able to drop him off. There are some good things happening at our house though! I haven't dared post about this in fear of jinxing myself but Ian is 90% potty trained! He still has the occasional pee accident but we have not had a poop accident in a very long time. This is fabulous news for us and we hope that it continues! He seems to be doing really well at his new school too! His behavior has improved as well although we still see breakthroughs in the screaming and tantrums. I'll take any improvement we get. I'm still trying to pull myself together and get my life organized again. I honestly feel like a chicken with my head cut off. I don't know which direction I am going in. Before the kids went back to school I had Adam give me a blessing. I was promised that I would be able to regain control (not in those words exactly) and I know I will. Baby steps. For now I'm going to pop open a diet coke and take 5 minutes for myself before everyone gets home.

First day of school for the other two

Well, it's the day I've waited for all summer! They are back at school! Well, actually it will be tomorrow before the three oldest are back and next week before Owen starts but I'll take what I can get! I had this great plan this morning...I was going to get Ian on the bus at 8:40 (the pick-up time) take Misty to school and be back by 9:00 to walk Millie to school. Ya, right. Ian's bus never showed. Well, actually it finally came at 9:15 long after I had already taken him. Misty was almost late and Millie walked to school by herself. So sad. I feel like a loser mom sending her that way but I didn't know what else to do! I talked to the principal at Ian's school about the bus and she said she'd take care of it so hopefully it will be on time tomorrow. I'm really excited about this year especially for Ian. I hope and pray this is just what he needs! I am so excited school is back in session,I finally feel like I can BREATHE! but, I have hours of housework to catch up on...sigh. The good news is that what I clean will actually stay clean for more than 5 minutes Yay!

Do you have candy wall art???

Hmm, jealous huh? Well, I do know the artist if you are interested....

(Thanks for the mamba's Jayne!)

Follow up on Ian

I know my last post about Ian was very discouraging and I apologize. Life in our house has been chaotic for awhile and I've been very discouraged. I had been praying very earnestly about what course of action to take with Ian. The direction I was being led was the medical route and so I became convinced that there was something going on that caused the sudden change in Ian. Things fell into place so wonderfully and I was able to schedule all the appointments I needed to. I even got into the psyciatrist 5 weeks ahead of schedule (and found out later that I shouldn't have been able too, we should have been taken out of their system and became a "new patient"). Ian is healthy (fabulous news!) and although I was really hoping to avoid medication but we have started him on one. I feel really good about it and we are already seeing progress. I really feel so much lighter already. Thanks for all the thoughts and concerns!

The five steps of grieving

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

When Ian was first diagnosed with autism I felt nothing. It meant nothing to me. I knew he was delayed but I felt he would eventually catch up. The second time I was told Ian had autism I cried, still not really understanding what it all meant. Over the years I find myself going through the steps of grieving over and over. Just when I feel I have acceptance, I start over again. Right now I am in the anger stage. I am so angry that no one can tell me exactly what is wrong with my child. I mean, most children with a disability also have a cause i.e. genitic, sickness, accident but with austism they just don't know. Was it something I did during pregnancy? Was it something I did when he was a baby? Did we not nurture him enough? Was it immunaztions? Was it an illness? Why can't someone tell me?? As the years go by and Ian's peers continue to grow and learn and Ian just stays stagnit, his disability becomes more apparent. When he was five and still acting two the gap wasn't as wide as now that he is nine and still acting two. And now with all the added behavior problems I feel like we are starting all over with the initial diagnosis. I've had Ian into several doctors lately and we've had them run several tests. The results? nothing. We know no more today about Ian and his behavior than we did last week. Sooooo frustrating. And I am angry. I just want a cure. I just want someone to help him. I just want him to be normal...

Waiting for a knock on the door...

I've been worried lately what the neighbors think about all of Ian's little tantrums. Any given day at any given time, there are blood curdling screams coming from our house. Add to that Owen the escape artist and I'm sure that DCFS will be knocking on the door any day now.

Monday Ian and Owen were playing in the backyard. I had made sure all the gates were locked and I had the back door open so I could see them and hear them. I was busy in the kitchen when I noticed Ian hit Owen across the face. I marched him inside and up to his room to "time-out". I held the door closed for about five minutes until the door bell ring. I answered the door to see a stranger holding Owen. He had climbed the fence and was playing in the very busy road. To top it off, he was covered in marker and Ian was SCREAMING upstairs. I'm sure I looked like a fabulous mom.

Wednesday I am sitting in my front room busy working on FHE kits for the service auction. The kids were downstairs watching Igor. I look out the window and I watch as a neighbor slowly drives by my house, flips around and drives by again and then finally pulls into my driveway. "I'm being a nosy neighbor" she says, "but Owen is in the road" WHAT??? The doors were all locked but apparently he can escape from that too.

Thursday, I'm in my room folding clothes and Ian and Owen are HAPPILY playing in their room next door. I emphasize happily because Ian was laughing and playing instead of screaming and crying which has become his norm. I was thinking to myself how wonderful it felt to hear laughter coming from him. I went in to get them in their jammies when I notice Ian's hair is bright red. Crap! I think... Ian found the koolaid powder! I look around for the mess I'm sure I have to clean up when I notice bloody hand prints on the wall...Ian is bleeding. I look over his head for the wound but can't find it because there is so much blood. Long story short, I end up taking Ian to the same after hours office that I took Owen to in January. The receptions asks "weren't you just in here for this same thing not too long ago?" And imagin their surprise when I said "I have no idea how or when it happened". Ian did not cry. Not a single peep. I don't have a clue although there was a patch of blood on the edge of the door about his height up. But still...did he fall, did Owen slam the door, how the crap did it happen? No staples this time. Although he needed them, he put up a fight and the doctor decided he'd be ok without them.

So, yes, crown me bad mother of the year already! Just be sure to vouch for me when someone calls the state on me!

Holland it is

Not long after Ian was diagnosed with autism someone gave me this story

Welcome to Holland
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this…
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley
Well, yesterday was one of those days that I wanted back on the plane, I wanted Italy. I don't know what is going on with Ian but he has become increasingly difficult. His screaming is what is getting to me the most. He doesn't talk, he doesn't cry, he screams! I finally had to lock him in his room for my sanity and his safety. He continued to scream from his bedroom "don't lock me up!". Yep I instantly felt guilty. What am I suppose to do? After it was all said and done and I was lying in my bed with Ian in my arms I asked him "why? why Ian? why can't you be my good boy?" He lovingly responded in his classic Ian way "yes I am your boy! yes you are my mommy!" and that said it all. Welcome to Holland.