Do you ever just look around and wonder "how on earth did I get here?" 15 years ago Adam and I were dating, getting ready for him to go on a mission. We knew we wanted to get married and have kids but we never knew what we really had in store. All those times we talked about kids, never in a million years did we think one of them would have Autism and epilepsy. It's just not the kind of thing you "plan". I remember saying things like "we'll have 4 kids, 2 girls, 2 boys and their names will be yadda, yadda, yadda...." You know what I mean....Never in a million year did I think I would be HERE. Not that here is so bad. It's just funny how life can throw you those little curve balls.
Sunday was our primary program. It was so funny watching Matthais singing in what is probably his last primary program with a big scowl on his face. He had to make sure everyone knew just how miserable he was. I remember soon after he was born I was called to the primary presidency and I couldn't wait until he was old enough to participate in the primary program. I wished away so many of his younger years! I couldn't wait til he could walk, talk, go to school. I wish I had those days back.
I've been thinking a lot about our decision to not have anymore kids. In a way, I feel like that decision was made for us. Owen's birth and the time surrounding his birth was a very hard time for me. We had a lot of things happening all at once and I had a hard time being happy because of all the stress. Add to that a scary delivery and a baby in the NICU for a week and I was close to a breaking point. Two months later Ian had his first seizure and thus began our new life with not only autism, but epilepsy as well. Up until that point I had always felt like I could handle more kids and that I would have even liked to have another. That all changed in the months following Ian's seizure. I knew that if I ever did have another one it wouldn't be fair to that child or to the children I already had. I was too spread thin.
So here we are more than two years later, Ian's seizures are under control, the autism is well, autism, and I know longer have a brand new baby. Surely I could be a good mom to one more right?(if it were physically possible, which it is not!) I've been second guessing myself. I watch all of these amazing women go on to have5, 6 and even 7 kids! And they do it with grace and ease. And then there is me.
Matthais has been causing a lot of problems in our family lately. He feels the need to make everyone as miserable as possible. Sunday, after a day of tormenting his sister, it all came to a head. The reason he wants everyone so miserable? He's not getting enough attention. I kinda rolled my eyes when he first said that. After all how much attention does an 11 year really need? I had never really though about the fact that as my oldest, he is the only one that knows how it feels to not have to share mom and dad. Then to have to share mom and dad with three other kids? It must feel like you're getting short changed! Especially when you are a very level-headed, responsible child and you have a brother with autism who takes a ton of your parents time, and you still have a brother who is a toddler, and you only have one sister who gets lots of attention because, well, she's the girl. I can imagine it seems like no one has anything left to give you. And, maybe some days it's true. Sometimes there just isn't anything left.
So here I am today. I am not the BEST mom or even the second best mom. I am not super mom, or wonder mom nor do I posess any sort of super-natural mom powers. What I am is mom who love her children with all her heart. A mom who is just a little too spread thin. A mom who tries her best but sometimes falls just a little short! A mom who sometimes looks around and wishes she was somewhere else. A mom who often second guesses herself but always tries to do what is best for her kids. A mom who will always wonder what might have been...if only...
Who would of have ever thought????
