Enough?!?!?

Do you ever get to the point that you want to throw you hand up in the air and say ENOUGH ALREADY! Or maybe you fall to your knees and say Heavenly Father...it's been enough already...

I got to this point today. 3 hours of crying later....Here is what is going on in my life.

My mom and dad (who are have been divorced from each other for 32 years) are both going through divorces. My step-sister is also going through a divorce finally after being separated for 3+ years. This is good thing for sure but the fact that her soon-to-be ex kidnapped her son 3months ago is not. Since there is no established custody there is nothing she can do. Two of my brothers are unemployed. One of them is expecting a new baby and will soon be out of a home. My sister continues to struggle with serious health issues and she is dealing with discovering she has a stepson that she didn't know about and all the joys and problems of being a step mom. I worry about them all so much. It's hard for me not to. Adam is famous for saying "is there something you can do about it? No? Then why worry about it." I wish it was that simple for me. Then there are the issues with Ian, I'm still fighting him each morning, listening to ear piercing screams, cleaning poop out of carpet and off of walls, listening to the other kids scream each time he pulls there hair and dealing with the other myriad of things that come with Ian and autism. I'm physically exhausted every night and am finding very little time to train for the impending marathon. Oh yes... The marathon. WHAT was I thinking? I get physically ill every time I think about that day. I am not ready. I am not even close to being ready. I will press on however because I've done enough torturous runs to not let them go to waste. This is just a sample of the things I'm dealing with right now as some are too personal to post here...

I know that I use this forum to complain a lot....A LOT! I'm beginning to think that is why I don't have many friends. Maybe I'm too much of a downer. I really want to be happy. I really want to be a fun person with lots to offer this world but...how? How do people with trials (and we all have them) continue to go on and be happy? I feel like I can go days and days and put on this perfect smile until the dam finally breaks...like today...

Maybe I don't have enough faith? love? patience? Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough for the good? counting every blessing? All I know is that I'm really tired and I've had enough....

Owen's first day of Preschool

Can you believe it? Owen is old enough for preschool! He has anxiously awaited this day since the other kids started school. Finally, today arrived and he has asked me about 20 times when it was time for school to start....

He insisted wearing this shirt even though it's a rather warm day because when I bought it I told him it was for school...

He wasn't very happy when I told him he'd have to leave all the toys he packed in his backpack at home...

Look at him all big and brave!! He couldn't wait to get in there! As we were walking out the door he looked at me very seriously and said "mom, I don't know how to write my name!" I told him that it was ok and that is why he is going to school, to learn. "But mom!" he protested "I don't even have a pencil!!!" ha, ha, what a kid! I can't believe he's growing up.

Teeth

I hate going to the dentist. I would rather give birth than have my teeth worked on. That goes for cleanings and x-rays too. I start getting nervous the night before my appointment. I can't sleep. The morning of I start contemplating cancelling my appointment. It's always been this way. It's been two years since I've been to the dentist. Wait...actually three. I cracked a tooth a few weeks ago and I knew that I'd have to take care of it and the longer I waited the worse it would be maybe even ending up with a cavity or needing a root canal or something. So I went and I was tortured and I hated every minute of the hour I was there. I needed a crown and so in the meantime I have temporary crown on. It lasted a whole three days before it started popping off every time I ate something. I finally had enough and on Saturday and I called my sister-in-law who she met me at her dentist's office (she's a dental assistant) and she glued it on. I wasn't prepared for the pain that would entail! I thought she would just slap some glue on it and pop it back on but no... Anyway...that lasted Oh, about 3 hours and then it came off again. This morning as I was eating some toast it came off and I crunched down on it and it broke! UGH! So, I have broken temporary crown that keeps falling off...and my appointment isn't until next Monday. I have absolutely no desire to go get it glued on again but I don't know how I can possibly wait another week. Besides that who has time?? Why is it that things can't ever be simple for me?? Why does it always have to be more complicated than it needs to be? I guess I do live for the drama....

Long overdue..

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't post until I could write something positive...Well, it's been a few weeks and I finally decided I was going to post anyway...afterall, this IS my life! No sense sugar coating anything! That being said...things haven't been terrible either. We are blessed and I see the Lord's hand in my life on a daily basis.

Back to school time is one of the hardest times for me. I watch as the other kids Ian's age head off to school and I can't help mourn for him and yes, even me. He's in fourth grade! I remember fourth grade vividly from my friends, to my boyfriend, to after school activities. There is none of that for him. He is struggling so far this year but we seem to make some progress each day. Both his MRI and EEG resulted in no further knowledge. I am now ready to embark on adjusting his diet to see if we can figure something out. Overall we are surviving and hopefully it will get better from here.

My marathon training...well...has really sucked. This is a huge issue for me. I have not done the work I need to do and I will suffer for it. Last year I was on track for a 4:30 hour marathon and this year I am hoping to finish in 6 hours. I hope I'm not in complete denial about it. I hope I really can do this! This summer has been so hard and I didn't want to think about it. It's a month away....it's coming wether I'm ready or not...

Owen starts preschool next week and I wish I could say that I get to enjoy a few hours to myself but I will still be doing daycare. I enjoy it for the most part and I have really good kids! (wish I could say that about the parents too! UGH!) Can you believe Owen is old enough for preschool? It's not fair. I guess I'll always be saying that though right? They do grow up so fast.

So that is it in a nutshell. Nothing fabulous. Just life. But, I'll take it.

My baby turns 3!

Three years already? It's really true that if you blink....

Funny thing about this cake. I usually make my kids birthday cakes but Owen had won a gift certificate for a cake at a 24th of July party. The store was in Salem but I thought it would be worth the drive. Originally they told me it was a fireman cake. Owen did not like this idea at all so I called them back and asked them to Pleeeeease make a tractor cake. Well, we went to pick it up and it was a Cars cake. Owen wasn't too impressed but at least he wasn't too upset either.

Some important information about Owen

Favorite color- green
Favorite food- Macaroni and cheese
Favorite Toys- Trains

He is a very active little boy with lots of attitude. Being the baby doesn't help this at all. It seems as though these days he spends more time in time-out than anywhere else. He'll be starting pre-school soon and I hope he gets this under control!

Where a kid can be a kid

For Owen's Third birthday we decided to celebrate at Chuck E Cheese. I had never taken Owen there before. It's funny what happens to you get more kids. I used to take Matthais and Ian there all the the time. Now I can't remember the last time we went. Yes, I used to be super mom. But I digress....

I really don't remember the pizza being so horrible. And I really don't remember the prizes being so cheesy. Is it just because I haven't been there in so long? Luckily I had bought a gift certificate for half prices and it pretty much covered the cardboard pizza. I did have to spring for tokens. The kids had fun and now I can check that off the list of things "good" moms do.

First day of School

I have been counting down to the first day of school pretty much since the day school got out. This summer was the hardest so far and I am so happy my little darlings are back in school.
Matthais started 6th grade this year. What??? 6th grade already??? Hard to believe. Mrs. Lienweber looks like a fun teacher and I think he'll enjoy continuing in the A.L.L program.He's developed his own little sense of style and this was the first year he was picky about what I bought him. I don't think I'm ready for that!
Our little Ian is in 4th grade. Miss Bushnell and the rest of the crew have their work cut out for them. He is as active and as stubborn as ever. I'm crossing my fingers for a good year!
Sweet little Emilia is so happy to be heading into 2nd grade. Her friends Lezlie is in her class again this year and her teacher Mrs. Young looks like she'll be great.