Sometimes it's really hard to figure out your place in this world.

Really this is something I've struggled with most of my life. In some ways this isn't such a bad thing. Growing up I never fit in with any *one* group but had lots of friends in different groups. I never was part of a clique. While I feel ultimately I was blessed to have so many friends with so many interests, it did leave me without any close relationships that I could carry on into adult hood. As a child I always longed to have a best friend. The closest I came to that was in 9th and 10th grade when I had 4 of them. The five of us did everything together. It was an awkward time in my life. I was trying to decide if I had a testimony of the gospel. I was discovering boys in ways I hadn't before. I was rebelling against my mom and her recent divorce. The "MB's" as we called ourselves were the only rock I had. I loved those girls and still do. Just before my 16th birthday my mom remarried and moved me from Provo to Lehi. As you can imagine this was horrifying. I was leaving the only stability I had. I was in a new town, in a new school, with a new dad and I had never felt more alone. Over the next few years my friends and I tried to remain close but soon enough I found myself grasping to hold onto the threads of our friendship as it slipped away. I found Adam and new friends in Lehi who helped ease the sting but my heart ached as my friends continued on without me. In Lehi I met a group of girls that were already established as best friends. Quickly they invited me in but I never felt as though I really belonged. When the one I was closest too moved just before our senior year I found myself alone again. Luckily Adam and I had just started dating so his friends became my friends and I wasn't totally alone, I just hung out with the guys. I was on the drill team and had many opportunities to make friends, it just never happened. Over the years since high school I've made a lot of great friends; Some I still talk to, some I don't but only few that have left a lasting impression. But one thing always stayed the same...I wanted a best friend. I was envious of women I knew who went to lunch, went shopping and just plain hung out together. I was envious of women who's families vacationed together. I could never understand why I couldn't have a friend like that. I felt and still feel deeply flawed. A few years ago I found a group of girls and for the first time in my adult life found like I had found the friends my heart had desired all these years. I was happy, I felt like I wasn't such a misfit and I felt like I had a life outside of my little family. It wasn't long before I realized that maybe I was a little more fond of this group of girls then they were of me. There were several heartbreaking incidents and lots of tears and many of nights wondering what is wrong with me. That was the one thought I couldn't let go of... What is wrong with me that people don't want to be close to me? My already suffering self-esteem took a nose dive and I spent the next year trying to rebuild my feelings of self worth. It was then I decided that if every friendship I've ever had ended painful then maybe they weren't worth having. I have since put my guard up and have let very few people in. I still desire to have close friendships, I still desire to feel like I fit in but in a lot of ways I've given up on ever finding the "ideal" friendship I've always wished for. When I discovered facebook it strangely lifted me in ways I hadn't imagined. I realized how many of those friends I'd collected over the years still cared enough to ask how I was or buoy me up when I was having a bad day. But having a social life on the computer isn't exactly how imagined things. The luster of facebook has since worn off but has opened my eyes to something I've had all along. I do have a few best friends. Our relationships aren't how I imagined them. There is rarely meeting for lunch, no family vacations and no girls nights out. In fact, I rarely ever see them. What there is however is patience, love and understanding. There is shared secrets, shared dreams, shared frustrations. There are hour long phone conversations, shed tears and side splitting laughter. There is a quiet understanding and words of encouragment. And through them I am made to feel like I really do have a place here in this world and that I do matter. I feel bad that I had these friends all along but never fully recognized their worth! I love these women and I am thankful to have them in my life. And, I am thankful for new friends and new relationships developing. I have to admit, my guard is still up and I am afraid of getting hurt but things are looking up. Maybe I'm not so pathetic after all!

Modifying my goals

I joined the gym on Saturday. I'm not quite at my heaviest weight ever but I'm close. Even when I ran the marathon in October I was easily 35-40 lbs over weight. It's time to take control. I know, I know...I've been saying this for over a year now. What's different this time? For one thing, I am much more emotionally stable right now. Of course if you asked Adam he might disagree but I feel it. I still have my moments but I defiantly feel more in control. Secondly, I have made some conscious efforts to change my lifestyle and to make healthier choices and in doing so I've already lost 7 lbs. I want my healthy life back. I'm looking at marathons tonight. I think I've decided to do Top of Utah since St. George entrance fee went up to $80. Yowza! That gives me 28 weeks to whip my butt into shape. I had a great run on Saturday that has left me motivated to do this. And I have the support of so many wonderful people. My husband is my biggest cheerleader and I thank him for that. Now, time to get into gear. If you need me, I'll be at the gym!

Millie's first dance competition

We rushed home from Park City so that I could take Millie to her first dance competition. It was really fast and over before I knew it but it was a great experience for Millie.

Their dance was called "Little Red Riding Hood". I thought she looked so adorable. Check out the sparkly shoes!

She had her own little cheering section.

She earned her first dance medal. She was very excited about that. Overall her team took 2nd. Not too bad! This girl loves to dance. It's amazing to watch her dancing her heart out and to know how shy she is. Way to go Mills!

Park City

After my stressful and crazy Monday-Wednesday I was more than happy to pack up and head out with my sweetie for a weekend away. Adam and "won" an all-expense-paid weekend to Park City. It was quite possible the worst weekend to go because of all the activities that our kids had (and I missed a few too) but it was well worth it! We left Thursday and met the group for dinner at the Riverhorse. Very yummy! Then we headed to The Dakota Mountain lodge. All I can say is WoW! Of course, when you're used to staying in Motel 8's...

This was the view off our balcony


The next day we headed out for snowmobiling. I was very nervous because I had never driven a snowmobile and I just knew I was going to crash in front of 20+ people I didn't know.




It wasn't as bad as I thought although I did have a few scary moments. It was actually a lot of fun and it was such a beautiful day! We ended the day with shopping. I love shopping! And, when it's not coming out of your pocket it is even better! We were able to get some things for the kids and for ourselves and it was fun to just be together.
Overall it was fun and relaxing and so nice to get away. I can't wait to do it again!

One of those days you wish you'd stayed in bed...

You know, one of those days that starts with a bang! In my case it was Ian screaming at the top of his lungs that he didn't want to go to school. I dragged sleepy self out of bed to find him lying on the floor naked, covering his ears and screaming. He slept in my bed last night (Adam is gone) so I got very little sleep and apparently he didn't get much more because I could tell he was "off". I did manage to get him out the door just as all my daycare kids started coming. Yay. From one screaming kid to more screaming kids. Owen started complaining around 10 that his ear hurt. He was unbelievably grumpy and mean. I was waiting for our new fridge to be delivered so I had to wait to take him to the Dr. until later in the afternoon. Around 1:00 just as we were getting ready to run some errands and head to the doctor I got a call from Ian's teacher. He's screaming and they want me to come get him. When I get there he was indeed having a meltdown. Yay. Nothing like hauling four kids to the Dr's office. Sure enough Owen has an ear infection. Owen also has been having "issues" with using the toilet for #2. He's been having little accidents now for about 5 days. We've tried everything under the sun to get him to use the toilet. Except his trains. Today I told him if he didn't use the potty I would put his trains up. When he had his 3rd accident of the day I said "that's it! Say goodbye to your trains!" You would have thought I was ripping his toenails off. He was SCREAMING at the top of him lungs! I had thrown him in the shower to clean off and he jumped out ran outside and stood on the front lawn screaming bloody murder. Did I mention is he was completely NAKED and dripping WET and it's like 30 degrees outside? Eventually it took Adam doing a video call to calm him down. But, the day only got better. After dinner I started feeling very sick. I managed to get the kids in bed before it hit but when it hit, there was no stopping it. I was sick and throwing up until after midnight. Nothing like dealing with all the bumps in the road without your better half. I don't know how single moms do it! I realize just how nice it is to have Adam home; even if it just so he can entertain the kids while I do the dishes. One more day...one more day..

Valentine's Day is not complete without sugar cookies!

Valentine's Day

Instead of fighting the crowds and going out to dinner Suzanne and I thought it would be more fun to have a dinner with friends. (Sorry the pictures are yellow. I was borrowing my mom's camara which I know NOTHING about!)




Dinner was great with lots of yummy food.

Afterward we played Apples to Apples and laughed until our sides hurt.






Thanks for the laughs! We had a blast!