Really this is something I've struggled with most of my life. In some ways this isn't such a bad thing. Growing up I never fit in with any *one* group but had lots of friends in different groups. I never was part of a clique. While I feel ultimately I was blessed to have so many friends with so many interests, it did leave me without any close relationships that I could carry on into adult hood. As a child I always longed to have a best friend. The closest I came to that was in 9th and 10th grade when I had 4 of them. The five of us did everything together. It was an awkward time in my life. I was trying to decide if I had a testimony of the gospel. I was discovering boys in ways I hadn't before. I was rebelling against my mom and her recent divorce. The "MB's" as we called ourselves were the only rock I had. I loved those girls and still do. Just before my 16th birthday my mom remarried and moved me from Provo to Lehi. As you can imagine this was horrifying. I was leaving the only stability I had. I was in a new town, in a new school, with a new dad and I had never felt more alone. Over the next few years my friends and I tried to remain close but soon enough I found myself grasping to hold onto the threads of our friendship as it slipped away. I found Adam and new friends in Lehi who helped ease the sting but my heart ached as my friends continued on without me. In Lehi I met a group of girls that were already established as best friends. Quickly they invited me in but I never felt as though I really belonged. When the one I was closest too moved just before our senior year I found myself alone again. Luckily Adam and I had just started dating so his friends became my friends and I wasn't totally alone, I just hung out with the guys. I was on the drill team and had many opportunities to make friends, it just never happened. Over the years since high school I've made a lot of great friends; Some I still talk to, some I don't but only few that have left a lasting impression. But one thing always stayed the same...I wanted a best friend. I was envious of women I knew who went to lunch, went shopping and just plain hung out together. I was envious of women who's families vacationed together. I could never understand why I couldn't have a friend like that. I felt and still feel deeply flawed. A few years ago I found a group of girls and for the first time in my adult life found like I had found the friends my heart had desired all these years. I was happy, I felt like I wasn't such a misfit and I felt like I had a life outside of my little family. It wasn't long before I realized that maybe I was a little more fond of this group of girls then they were of me. There were several heartbreaking incidents and lots of tears and many of nights wondering what is wrong with me. That was the one thought I couldn't let go of... What is wrong with me that people don't want to be close to me? My already suffering self-esteem took a nose dive and I spent the next year trying to rebuild my feelings of self worth. It was then I decided that if every friendship I've ever had ended painful then maybe they weren't worth having. I have since put my guard up and have let very few people in. I still desire to have close friendships, I still desire to feel like I fit in but in a lot of ways I've given up on ever finding the "ideal" friendship I've always wished for. When I discovered facebook it strangely lifted me in ways I hadn't imagined. I realized how many of those friends I'd collected over the years still cared enough to ask how I was or buoy me up when I was having a bad day. But having a social life on the computer isn't exactly how imagined things. The luster of facebook has since worn off but has opened my eyes to something I've had all along. I do have a few best friends. Our relationships aren't how I imagined them. There is rarely meeting for lunch, no family vacations and no girls nights out. In fact, I rarely ever see them. What there is however is patience, love and understanding. There is shared secrets, shared dreams, shared frustrations. There are hour long phone conversations, shed tears and side splitting laughter. There is a quiet understanding and words of encouragment. And through them I am made to feel like I really do have a place here in this world and that I do matter. I feel bad that I had these friends all along but never fully recognized their worth! I love these women and I am thankful to have them in my life. And, I am thankful for new friends and new relationships developing. I have to admit, my guard is still up and I am afraid of getting hurt but things are looking up. Maybe I'm not so pathetic after all!
.jpg)
