Bittersweet

Today is Ian's last day in the autistic unit. Imagine how disheartening it was to hear that the autistic unit is no longer a good fit for your autistic son. Where do you go from there? He will be starting a in a life skills unit on January 4th...his 10th birthday. I am sad. I am scared. I am frustrated. But I am also excited, anxious and hopeful. Maybe this is just what he needs to see some progress... Maybe this is just what he needs to succeed...God does nothing by chance. Here is hoping for a smooth and successful transition.

On this day, God wants you to know...

That is the name of an application on facebook. You click on it to get your message from God. I've never actually done it for myself but some of my friends have. I'm not really sure but to me it seems like it would be like reading your horoscope or a fortune cookie...you can always find a way to make it apply to your life. No, I don't need facebook to tell me what God wants me to know. Today he told me himself.

Today started out bad and went to worse really quickly. After finding my bottle of Mary Kay moisturizer dumped all over the bathroom and the bottle floating in the toilet, I lost it. I can't even begin to list all the things Ian has lost or destroyed in the last month. I was mad...just not at Ian. I told Heavenly Father that I had had it. I told him I was tired of him not listening to my prayers. I told him I was done praying. I told him that if he really loved me he would lift my burden. I told him if really loved me he would send me a friend. I even told him that if he really loved me he would help me find my cell phone. I poured my heart out and told him all the reasons I felt abandoned. And I cried. I called Adam who helped me pull myself together and carried on with my day still feeling heavy.

I had plans to meet some friends for lunch and I considered cancelling. I knew I was going to be no fun to be with today but I decided to continue with my plans hoping it would cheer me up. Little did I know Heavenly Father would speak to me through them. Lunch was great and they listened to me. They just listened. Never once did they try to out-do me with their problems or made me feel like my trials were trivial. They listened. I heard Heavenly Father whisper...I have sent you a friend. My amazingly talented friend gave me a Christmas present while we were there. It was a photo she had taken of a pair of hands holding a baby bird with the scripture Matthew 10:29-31 written under it. I wasn't sure what it meant but felt honored that she would give me something that she made herself. Then I read the scripture.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows."
I had to fight back the tears. I heard Heavenly Father whisper...I do know you, and you are important to me.

After lunch I headed to meet Ian's new teacher. I was running late and anxious to get to the school. As I was driving a truck didn't see me and took off from his stop sign and literally stopped a foot from my driver side door. We both drove off and I instantly said a prayer of gratitude. I heard Heavenly Father whisper...I am looking out for you.

Later tonight I was making dinner and Ian getting upset. He couldn't tell me what was bothering him but I could tell that something was not right. Before I knew it he was acting very strange and started throwing up. Great, I thought. Just what I need...sick kids. Adam walked in the door and I had him take Ian upstairs while I cleaned up the mess. When I came up I could tell something wasn't right. I knew he was going to have a seizure. Millie had dance and I knew he was in good hands so I brought Adam the phone and Ian's emergency seizure medication and left. When I came home, Ian was on the floor, seizing, Adam and administered the Versed and just waiting for the seizure to stop. We were both devastated. Ian was doing so good. He hadn't had a seizure since April and he was making progress. All of a sudden my lost cell phone and the destroyed household items didn't matter anymore. I knew God was sending me a message.

God does notice me. He is watching over me. He does love me. I am grateful for the people he has chosen to surround me with. I am grateful for the challenges of raising one of God's special children. I am grateful for his daily protection. God does nothing by chance but always by design as a loving father. On this day, I now know...

Drama with the bus and other reasons I should cancel my facebook account

Normally I pick the kids up from school. We have some neighbors who attend the same school as the kids (my kids attend a school other than their neighborhood school). My lovely friend Becky drives the kids to school and I pick the kids up. Early on in the year I noticed that the bus was leaving, with Ian on it around 3:25. By time the other kids got out of school (3:30) and into the car (3:40) and we drive home (3:45) we were missing Ian being dropped off or we were cutting it really close so I started picking him up as well. Becky is kind enough to do double duty on Thursday and picks the kids up so I let Ian ride the bus on those days. This past Thursday slipped away from me and I had an enrichment activity so when I looked at the clock at 3:20 I decided I'd better jump in the shower before Ian came home. As I was getting out and drying off I thought I heard Ian's bus. I looked at the clock, it was 3:28, school wasn't even out so it couldn't be Ian. But, I got to the window and check...it WAS Ian! I threw on my robe still dripping wet to go and grab him. A little frustrating but no big deal. Friday...Becky calls and says she's running errands so she'll just grab the kids. Once again...Ian rides the bus home. I'm sitting at the computer working on Christmas cards when I hear the bus at 3:28 and Owen yelling that Ian is here. Good thing I didn't run to the copy store like I had planned! In my mind, School gets out at 3:30 so I should have at least until then to be home. Well, apparently not! Out of frustration I posted on facebook "Tell me how it's possible that Ian's bus shows up at 3:28 when school doesn't even end until 3:30???" I got a few responses but My brother-in-law (who happens to teach in an autistic unit at another school) responded "That's a definite no-no...Your drivers know that they aren't allowed to leave, or even load, before the bell rings. You ought to make a call." Well, I hadn't even thought about calling and I wasn't REALLY upset it was just one of those things I posted out frustration just like many people do on facebook. What if I hadn't been home yet, what if I had gone to pick him up at my normal 3:25? The bus would have already left and then what? But I am friends with his teacher on facebook and I should have never said anything about it on facebook. Just like the whole "coughing" episode of two weeks ago, I opened my big mouth and created drama.

I love facebook. I talk to people (especially family) that I normally don't talk to but once a year. I found out my cousin was pregnant the day she anounced rather than waiting who knows how long until I visited my grandparents so they could tell me. I keep track of my college age brothers who think their big sister is tragically unhip. I can get instant answers to my questions and lots of support when I'm frustrated. But, one of the biggest problems with facebook (and really anything in which you "type" instead of "talk") is that things can be taken out of context and you never hear the tone of voice. On Friday my mom posted something about my niece being the most beautiful girl in the world. I don't disagree. My niece is gorgeous. Joking around and being sarcastic I typed back "I won't show Millie this". First of all...Millie is not on facebook and I would never show her that. However, Matthais, being the torturous big brother he is, might. Millie doesn't understand that when grandmas says Kelsey is the most beautiful girl in the world that she doesn't really think that Kelsey is more pretty than her. I never should have said anything because I really hit some nerves and my little brother let me have it calling me "petty" and telling me that "you and mellissa would be better off if you got over the "who does grandma loves more kick"!!!!!!!!!".
Wow. That was all I could think. Wow. One little comment that you think is funny can turn into this. Turns out I hurt my mom's feelings by saying that too. That was never my intention and so of course I was terribly upset.

I don't think I'm completely ready to give up facebook because I believe that I receive more positive that not. But, a few lessons learned... Be careful what you say, you never know how someone is going to take you comments no matter how innocent you think they are and somethings you should work out in a more private venue.

The parable of the 10 virgins

Last night I attended a production of The parable of the ten virgins put on by my amazingly talented ward. In the Parable of the Ten Virgins the story is told by Jesus of a group of virgins given the honor of attending a wedding. Each of the ten virgins is carrying a lamp as they await the coming of the bridegroom. Five of the virgins are wise and bring an extra jar of oil for their lamps. Five are foolish and take no extra oil with them. The bridegroom is late in coming and the foolish virgins are out of oil and ask the wise ones for spare oil, but they refuse, saying that they might then not have enough. The foolish virgins are away buying more oil when the bridegroom arrives. The wise virgins are there to welcome him and the foolish ones arrive too late and are not invited to the wedding feast. In the muscial performance of this parable each virgin was given a name and we learn a little insight into their personalitly. We learn what makes them "wise" or "foolish" and learn about other virtues they posess. I could relate to all of the "foolish" virgins especially Adi who was held back by her own insecurities and Eliana who is busy taking care of everyone else. I've given a lot of thought to the things that hold me back spiritually. Why is it that I can make time for everyone but the Lord? Why is it that I'm always worrying about what others think of me instead of seeing myself the way he sees me? What is it that I need to do to keep my lamp burning? I've been so negative and ornery lately. I think that it is due in a large part to my spiritual lamp being dim. I am grateful the spirit who whispered to me last night, letting me know that I could be happy, truley happy if I would only committ to following the Lord. I pray that we may all find the true reason of the season and more fully commit to following our Lord and Savior this Christmas and to keep our lamps full of oil.

Thanksgiving 2009

Nutcracker 2009

Millie was a Bon bon this year. Only, this year she was the bon bon leader! She takes her dancing pretty seriously and is already looking forward to the day she can try out for Clara! Sorry about the quality of the pictures. My camera is acting up...

My special boy

Yesterday I exploded because the school called me to come get Ian because he was coughing. I was extremely mad and upset because I didn't know that coughing at school was against school policy and I felt like they just didn't want to deal with him because they were short handed. I felt like the whole incident was mishandled but regardless, I said things I shouldn't have. And now, I feel horrible and remorseful. When it comes to Ian I am overly protective. I don't feel like he is give a fair shot most of the time. Kids pick on him and adults don't want to deal with him. Sunday I was standing with him waiting for his primary teacher to come in when a few of his classmates came in. One of them turned to the other and said " I dare you to sit by Ian!" The other responded "I double dog dare YOU to sit by Ian!" I was crushed. These are the kids he will grow up with. These are the kids that will be the ones "looking out" for him. I know he is a difficult child. My messy house and grey hair will attest to it. But he is a child none the less and a very special child at that. What an honor it is to associate with one of God's chosen ones! I know I feel honored to be his mother! I know that kids don't have the maturity to understand and I don't fault them for not wanting to befriend Ian. He is strange and slobbery and he's not always nice. But adults are a different story. I know his teachers love him and that they are looking out for him and his classmates and so I shouldn't have gotten so upset yesterday. I'm stressed and worried about his upcoming school change and I think I let that play into my emotions yesterday. And, yes, I have a little mama bear in me. I just wish I didn't have to worry so much about him and how he's being treated. He can't speak for himself so I have to! I wish everyone could love him just as much as I do! I wish everyone could feel how I feel when he calls me "mommy" or says "lub you". Maybe then they could quit looking at him as annoying or strange and see him as the special child he is.