I realize it's been awhile...

Sometimes I feel like blogging, sometimes I don't. I've been up to my eyeballs with daycare drama, puking kids and issues at Ian's school. Then I had to gather enough energy to enjoy endure spring break. It really wasn't that bad after all but it had it's moments. We snuck away from the gloom and rain of Utah county for the sun and sand in St. George. More about that later. Today I wanted to share a video with you. It's 10 minutes long but it's worth the watch. If you watch it you will never think of autism the same...


I've been thinking a lot about autism and our journey and how 8 years later how little we really know. We watched some home videos of Ian taken 3 1/2 years ago and I all I could do was cry. He was so different then, in a good way though. His thoughts were clear, he could hold a conversation,  and I didn't see any of the repetitiveness we see right now. That was defiantly a better time in our lives. Only, when we were in it I didn't see it as so great. I've always believed that Ian has so much in his brain than we realize and so much more than he is able to access. Sometimes I see the information he has come and go. It's almost like a TV with bad reception. Sometimes you can access the show you want to watch and sometimes it's too scrambled to get a clear picture.

I love this video of Carly. For a long time I have believed that Ian really can't help some of the things he does especially when it comes to trying to drown out all of the sensory input he receives. I love how she says "I know what is right and wrong but it's like I have a fight with my brain over it". So many times, so many more than I can even begin to count, I've had unsolicited advice regarding Ian. So many times I reply that I choose my battles. Yes I choose my battles even when he's stripping down. Yes, I choose my battles even when he is screaming at the top of his lungs. I have no idea what is going on in his brain and in his body. Sometimes he does this stuff for attention. Sometimes he does this stuff out of shear desperation. I can't imagine what it's like to live in his body but I'm so thankful for Carly and her chance to share what it might be like for him!

Friday, Yay!

It's been an emotionally exhausting week. I won't lie to you, it's been rough. In keeping with my goal to have a better outlook on life I haven't wanted to blog because I knew those feelings would roll into my writing. I'm feeling much better today for two reasons, it's Friday and it's BEAUTIFUL outside! We did have some fun things happen and some noteworthy things so this is my week in review.

Saturday Millie's dance studio dominated the spotlight dance cup. It was amazing to watch as every single number entered took diamonds (first place) and several teams took High score. Hot shots ended up with the sweepstakes award as well because of all the diamonds and high scores! Millie's dances Boom chica boom and footloose both earned diamonds and high scores! It was a really big deal! I know I've said it a million times but Hot Shots really is an amazing studio! They are so focused on technique and really help these girls (and boys) become fabulous dancers! Millie and I stayed overnight with some dance friends and had a fabulous time!

Sunday night we had our special stake meeting and our ward was split. I have such mixed feelings about this change. First and foremost I was devastated that Ian's teachers were moved to a another ward. It will be a hard adjustment for Ian but we'll survive. I am also sad about friendships that will no longer develop in the same way because of the split. Hopefully, some of the friendships I've already made are strong enough to endure. We'll see how it all plays out. And, we always have facebook right?

Millie had another dance performance Wednesday but I will spare you any more dance talk and tell you about Matthais's track meet instead! He placed 4th in the 1600 meter (even though he shaved 5 seconds off his time) and 2nd in the high jump. His back has been bothering him so he didn't compete in his other two events. I am just so proud that he is putting so much effort into this! He has really surprised me and I think he has surprised himself as well.

Thursday Millie sang in the Manila Magic spring concert. I tried to take some pictures but didn't get any good ones. This has been fun for her and so good for her self confidence but I'm kinda glad it's over. Just one more thing on the list ya know?

Now I am looking forward to our ward party tonight, the last one will all of us together. It should be lots of fun and I'm going to take lots of pictures. Spring is thinking about making an appearance and we are heading to St. George for spring break, so looking forward to that as well! The sunshine makes me happy!

PMA (positve mental attitude!)

So it has come to my attention that I tend to be a downer. My facebook statuses and my blog posts are nothing more than complain fests. I'm really working on that. I have always thought of myself as a glass half full type person but as I looked at my recent posts and facebook statuses I realized I really am more of a doom and gloom type person. So I am working on it. However, I also want to keep things real. So, when you read the rest of this think about me telling you in my happiest cheerful voice!

Yesterday I got a call from Ian's school that his ear was bleeding a lot and they needed me to come get him. At first I thought ear infection with eardrum rupture but when I got to the school and saw it I knew that is not what happened. It was straight blood dripping out of his ear. I quickly called the Dr and of course they could not see me for a few hours. When we finally get in the Dr takes a look and decides he probably stuck something in there. He can't tell if the ear drum is ruptured or not but decided to put him on antibiotic drops either way so that if he did just cut it it wouldn't get infected.

Yesterday Matthais ran in his first track meet. He did pretty well but I'm not sure if he placed in anything or not. It was a new experience for us all! I felt so bad because it rained and snowed and none of us were prepared! And I just assumed they'd have water for them to drink but no, I needed to bring that for him! Next time I'll be better prepared. While at his track meet his backpack with his ipod touch, his shoes, and all his school stuff was stolen!! really? I felt so bad for him especially because not long ago Ian broke his nintendo ds right in half and now this  but he is one lucky kid!! He doesn't know it but his dad just happened to win an ipod touch at work today!! As Adam said, "that kid must be living right!" I believe he is!

Been feeling like a crappy mom lately...

I just don't have the energy these days. Facebook only rubs it in my face. Green eggs and ham for Dr. Seuss day? Leprechauns and green milk for St. Patricks day? Who are these parents? My kids were lucky if they have a meal on those days. Seriously though, I used to do these kind of things, I used to be *that* kind of mom. In fact, all morning I kept trying to talk myself into green pancakes for breakfast. I just couldn't do it. I settled on green smoothies instead but there was no talk of leprechauns. Did you know that we don't have the Easter Bunny come to our house? And never, ever has a cupid come knocking at our door. Am I setting my kids up for a lifetime of sadness because their mom is too lazy to celebrate every holiday to it's fullest? It's not just holidays though. Today is the school's art carnival or festival or whatever they call it. I am absolutely dreading it. I can already give you the play by play. Just me and the three little kids.Ian lying in the middle of a very crowded hallway screaming. Owen wandering off. Millie begging me to buy everything we see. Lines, lines and more lines. More screaming because we have to wait in those lines. I'm just not in the mood. I know these things are important to the kids, and that alone used to make it worth it. I'm just wearing down folks. I'm short on energy and short on patience, but not short on love. Maybe it's time my kids know it.

Love, Love, LOVE our Studio!

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Wish we would have gone with them!

Shouldn't be doing this...

Posting on my blog that is. Not with the dreaded taxes staring me down and my the hub begging me to get them done. The most painful part of being self employed. I hate it. But, it's such a dreary day the thought of sitting at the table crunching numbers sounded anything but appealing so I am sitting on the computer typing. I don't really have anything new or exciting to report. I'm still in a perpetual bad mood, feeling sorry for myself on a daily basis and truly trying to find the good in each day. There are defiantly bright spots in my life. I'm hoping the will soon overshadow the gloom I tend to find around every corner. I know it's just me. I haven't been looking for the good. I know that it's the choice I have made. Yesterday was especially this way. Sundays have a way of making me feel especially sorry for myself. Yesterday there was a lots of talk of ward families and love and service and friendship and I sat listening feeling more bitter by the minute. I know I was not feeling the spirit and so I desperately tried to change it. I looked around the room and each sister in Relief Society and thought a nice thing about each of them. Even if I didn't know them I tried to find something nice I'd heard or something about their appearance. It helped and I was feeling better towards the end. I don't know why I get this way sometimes.

I'm happy to report the scale is moving. You'll have to check out my other blog for all the details. I am happy to share I just want to know who has access to it. Just ask. Part of me is a little scared  that when I lose the weight I won't have that as an excuse for why I don't have friends. I'm scared to find out that it's actually my personality the don't like and not just how I look. Oh well, it'll be worth it. If nothing else for my health.

Sorry, like I said, it's a gloomy day and I'm feeling, well, gloomy. Spring really couldn't come soon enough! I'm ready for sun, vitamin D and the kids playing outside! My house is ready too! I should really tell you about the disgusting mess I found this past weekend. I'm almost embarrassed to post it cause my kids are just so gross and I'm afraid that might reflect on me but I probably will. If for nothing else then to be able to show it to Owen when he's older.

Which reminds me...I have not blurbed my last years blog! I need to get busy on that! That's why I do this anyway right? Not for anyone but myself. I have to keep telling myself that...

The first post on my training blog (minus the embarrassing details and pictures)

Here I go again. I feel like I've had so many false starts over the last two years that I have no confidence in myself anymore. That's one of the things I really miss about myself; my drive, my desire, my dedication. I don't know how to make this time different. I do know that I'm a little scared. Scared to fail. Scared of what might happen if I do fail.

While in bed the other night I had a million thoughts running through my head. Most of which involved my children. There was dance and school and birthday parties. Suddenly the thought hit me...What would happen if I wasn't here? Would Millie still do dance? What things would the write about at school? Who would take them to the birthday parties? I'm sure things would work out but I WANT to be here. I want to watch Millie dance and help my children with there homework. I want to have grandchildren and watch them play and grow. How many obese elderly people do YOU know? I can't let that happen.

I know that even though some things worked for me the last few times I've lost significant weight, they didn't help fix the underlying problems. I've lost over 40lbs on Weight Watchers three different times. The first two times I had babies after and blamed my weight gain on pregnancy. After Owen I quickly (by quickly I mean in 4 months but he was a year old) lost 45 lbs. I felt great! I felt amazing! Life was good! But, I gained it all back and then some. This time I couldn't blame it on being pregnant. I felt defeated and humiliated. I have set my sites on losing the weight again several times in the last 2+ years only to lose and gain the same 10-15 lbs. It just wasn't clicking. I was battling depression which only added to the viscous cycles. This time I want to confront the reasons why I am overweight. This time I want to be healthy for the rest of my life. Today I start...