One word challenge

Because I need a new post...

1. Where is your cell phone? questionable
2. Your significant other? magnetic
3. Your hair? lifeless
4. Your mother? heartfelt
5. Your father? grounded
6. Your favorite thing? bed
7. Your dream last night? nothing
8. Your favorite drink? DietCoke
9. Your dream/goal? marathon
10. What room you are in? messiest
11. Your hobby? laziness
12. Your fear? spiders
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. Where were you last night? performance
16. Muffins? poppyseed
17. Wish list item? carpet
18. Where you grew up? home
19. Last thing you did? bath
20. What are you wearing? Jeans
21. Your TV? off
22. Your pets? pain
23. Friends? busy
24. Your life? insane
25. Your mood? indifferent
26. Missing someone? lots
27. Car? filthy
28. Something you're not wearing? makeup

The five steps of grieving

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

When Ian was first diagnosed with autism I felt nothing. It meant nothing to me. I knew he was delayed but I felt he would eventually catch up. The second time I was told Ian had autism I cried, still not really understanding what it all meant. Over the years I find myself going through the steps of grieving over and over. Just when I feel I have acceptance, I start over again. Right now I am in the anger stage. I am so angry that no one can tell me exactly what is wrong with my child. I mean, most children with a disability also have a cause i.e. genitic, sickness, accident but with austism they just don't know. Was it something I did during pregnancy? Was it something I did when he was a baby? Did we not nurture him enough? Was it immunaztions? Was it an illness? Why can't someone tell me?? As the years go by and Ian's peers continue to grow and learn and Ian just stays stagnit, his disability becomes more apparent. When he was five and still acting two the gap wasn't as wide as now that he is nine and still acting two. And now with all the added behavior problems I feel like we are starting all over with the initial diagnosis. I've had Ian into several doctors lately and we've had them run several tests. The results? nothing. We know no more today about Ian and his behavior than we did last week. Sooooo frustrating. And I am angry. I just want a cure. I just want someone to help him. I just want him to be normal...

Waiting for a knock on the door...

I've been worried lately what the neighbors think about all of Ian's little tantrums. Any given day at any given time, there are blood curdling screams coming from our house. Add to that Owen the escape artist and I'm sure that DCFS will be knocking on the door any day now.

Monday Ian and Owen were playing in the backyard. I had made sure all the gates were locked and I had the back door open so I could see them and hear them. I was busy in the kitchen when I noticed Ian hit Owen across the face. I marched him inside and up to his room to "time-out". I held the door closed for about five minutes until the door bell ring. I answered the door to see a stranger holding Owen. He had climbed the fence and was playing in the very busy road. To top it off, he was covered in marker and Ian was SCREAMING upstairs. I'm sure I looked like a fabulous mom.

Wednesday I am sitting in my front room busy working on FHE kits for the service auction. The kids were downstairs watching Igor. I look out the window and I watch as a neighbor slowly drives by my house, flips around and drives by again and then finally pulls into my driveway. "I'm being a nosy neighbor" she says, "but Owen is in the road" WHAT??? The doors were all locked but apparently he can escape from that too.

Thursday, I'm in my room folding clothes and Ian and Owen are HAPPILY playing in their room next door. I emphasize happily because Ian was laughing and playing instead of screaming and crying which has become his norm. I was thinking to myself how wonderful it felt to hear laughter coming from him. I went in to get them in their jammies when I notice Ian's hair is bright red. Crap! I think... Ian found the koolaid powder! I look around for the mess I'm sure I have to clean up when I notice bloody hand prints on the wall...Ian is bleeding. I look over his head for the wound but can't find it because there is so much blood. Long story short, I end up taking Ian to the same after hours office that I took Owen to in January. The receptions asks "weren't you just in here for this same thing not too long ago?" And imagin their surprise when I said "I have no idea how or when it happened". Ian did not cry. Not a single peep. I don't have a clue although there was a patch of blood on the edge of the door about his height up. But still...did he fall, did Owen slam the door, how the crap did it happen? No staples this time. Although he needed them, he put up a fight and the doctor decided he'd be ok without them.

So, yes, crown me bad mother of the year already! Just be sure to vouch for me when someone calls the state on me!

Coming to a town near you...

Quite possibly the BEST news I've had in weeks...Zupas is coming to American Fork!!! MMMMMMMM....zupas......I SO can't wait!

Craptacular

That about sums up how I feel these days.

Ian...AKA The Incredible Hulk

At 9:30 I got a call from the school. I immediatly go into panic mode when I get a call from the school; is there a problem, a siezure, is Ian totally out of control? They needed me to bring Ian a new shirt. He had torn a huge hole in his.




It's reasons like this that I love Ian's teacher and Aides so much...They put up with things like this and still continue to come to work...

I haven't felt like blogging much. There have been times in my blogging life when leaving the same boring old post sent me into some insane blogging anxiety but I haven't felt that lately. I feel like I'm in full blown crisis mode here at my house and frankly...I just can't deal. Not that there isn't plenty to blog about...in fact, I even started my own private blog about Ian in hope to help figure out what is going on with him. But... I haven't written in that one either. I feel overwhelmed. Dumped upon. Even Absent. But...I have a feeling we'll be getting some answers soon and that things will improve. So, those few of you faithful readers who eagerly await a new post each day (I'm talking to you Miss!) Be patient. I should return to my old blogging self soon...